The Holy spirit now begins to press you into looking up to God. Looking for a way to finish grieving and heal. This is the bravest thing you may ever do.
But you are not alone in this. God is always with you and Reach Out Speak Out can be also. We have counselors and resources and testimonies. We are a faith based ministry helping victims become survivors.
You just lean on the Lord and make a choice.
We all hear about starting something new when the calendar rolls over to another new year. Most are not kept for more than three weeks. And those that are determined will stick it out for a couple of months. But what if we really wanted to make a change in our lives. What if we understood that all things are possible with God. What if we didn’t try and do it on our own but placed our “new beginning” in the hands of God.
Along this new journey, God did not say it was going to go as we want it to go or even on our schedule. But we must remember that God’s schedule is perfect. Sometimes we must learn something before we can take any additional steps.
Are you ready to have a new beginning as you leave your abusive relationship? You can have new hope. The dreams that you dream about yourself can happen and you will be a new you. It is a journey. Reach Out Speak Out is faith based so all our hopes and dreams are with the intentions of what God wants in our lives. He wants the best for us. We do not see the path that is best for us all the time. Especially when we are in the middle of abuse. We have tried to “fix” the abuse. Many by becoming codependent and losing ourselves and who God wants us to be. His plans are perfect……even more perfect than our dreams. When we are in the middle of an abusive relationship, we forget that we are beautiful and perfect in God’s eyes. We have lowered our standards to try and stay in the relationship. We have changed and are usually totally exhausted from all the demands and put downs that we have endured through our abuse. This is not what God wants for you and your future. Remember, that God loved you so much that he sent His only son to die for you and for your sins. God loves you. His love is perfect. Trust that the new beginnings and journey with God will be exactly how the new you should be.
You know how it is for a new baby to first crawl and then take those baby steps before they can go outside and run and play? This is the way that we must look at our new beginnings.
There will be a lot of crying. Crying because we are hurting, crying because this life is new. Crying because we don’t feel it is going fast enough or we are not getting what we want. During the time of crying out, find those safe people that will come into your life. That you can express yourself and cry. That you can know that they will understand what you are going through and will be available to you while you are an infant in this new life that you are trying to move to.
It is okay to cry. It is okay to be sad. Just remember, this is a growing period and just like a new baby crying when they need something, you are in need of something.
As we go to our next stage of change, we will start crawling to what we see as our future. Sometimes we will fall right on our face, but we will continue to crawl and get to the thing that you are wishing and dreaming for. It is possible. A baby doesn’t give up trying to get what they see in their eyes are a need, they keep crawling toward it till they reach it. When we want a new beginning, we have a list on paper or in our heads and probably in our hearts. When you are crawling, it begins to seem obtainable.
What does the baby do after they have crawled all over the floor? Their legs start to get more strength so that they can begin pulling themself up off the floor. In our changes to become the new us, we gain strength. We gain strength in who we are, in our determination and we begin to be able to be on our own a little more and maneuver life’s challenges. Just a while back we were crying and didn’t know what to do and our hearts were hurting so bad. God is with us every single cry, crawl and step.
There is no real timetable. Each of us is different and has different circumstances and different needs. Many of us have been in an abusive relationship for a very long time. Don’t judge your recovery by someone else’s recovery. This is your life and your story. But I must say that God does not want us to get stuck. Sometimes we need to rest, restore and reflect. We need to be still and listen to God. Remember to always take time to thank Him for every step of this journey. Even the difficult ones.
As we spoke of the growth of a baby and they now have the strength to pull themselves up and start taking baby steps, before long the parents are not holding the baby or picking up the baby to get to where they need to go, the parents are running after the child to try and keep up with them. What is this stage in your recovery? You have found the new you, you are on the journey to grow and to find balance in your life. You are equipped and you are beginning to see your hope, dreams and a glimpse of the new you. Congratulations!
As you look back (and this is being covered over a month, but this journey may be all the 2024 calendar year), never lose focus and never stop growing to the new you. Breathe. The difficult part of your journey is over. Now it is time to be that new you. Our God is so good. Journal your thoughts. Do you remember that in 2023 that you were in an abusive relationship, you were crying every day, you could not see how this situation could be turned around? Look at you. You are actually smiling. Or….
Are you still in that abusive relationship and you are reading this thinking that you are not sure you can do it? Reach Out Speak Out has licensed trained therapists to help you in this journey. We will walk with you and help you to learn what true love is and what God’s perfect plan is for your life. But know that abuse is wrong, and it is never right to stay in an abusive relationship. We cannot fix the abuser. Many of us have tried for years and in return have lost ourselves.
Are you brave enough to have a new beginning, find new hope, dream your dreams and start your new life as a new you? We have all had challenges and loss in our lives, but don’t you think if God created a baby and there was a process in their growth, don’t you think that we may want to look at His plan. When there is something new, there is growth. I don’t know a baby that is born and jumps up and starts running around the block. Why should you expect your new life to be able to change your new life overnight.
It’s a journey. The process of a baby from birth to walking takes months. And every baby is different. Every new step is a learning process. Sometimes we trip and fall. Sometimes we only go a very short distance and some days we are able to run. We definitely do not want to skip a step or hurry through the process. Someone I knew that was trying to teach us to not be concerned about what other people were thinking about us said…” take your time, they’ll be fine.” You do not want to stop but you do need to make sure that you take your time, and it is on your schedule for healing. It is your healing. If you do not get stuck, and you are continuing to grow every week, don’t worry about those that do not think you are moving as fast as they want you to. It’s not their journey. Again, I repeat do not get stuck or stop. There should be growth weekly.
It’s a new year. Sometimes we need a reason to start fresh. Let us know how we can help you start your new beginnings, find new hope, dream new dreams and become the new you.
Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.
In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy path.
Almost 3 years after my first husband died, I met someone. I just wanted someone to hang out with. I thought. This man made me laugh more than I ever had. He had been through some similar life situations as me and we were about the same age so we had a lot of cultural stuff in common, which was nice. My first husband had been 16 years older and, in terms of music/movies/TV, we were quite different. But NewGuy and I laughed and I wasn’t so lonely anymore.
There were red flags. Big ones.
FLASHING RED GIANT BIG FLAGS.
NewGuy wasn’t empathetic or compassionate. He was unkind and judgmental. He didn’t like my kids or most of my friends and they didn’t like him. I overheard conversations he had with other people that indicated that he enjoyed me spending my money on him. He told me he didn’t find me particularly attractive. He corrected the way I talk. He tried to change my beliefs.He tried to tell me how I should raise my kids. To be fair to him, a lot of people were doing that. But he wasn’t kind about it.
I still was so in dread — not just afraid but in DREAD –of being alone that I turned a blind eye to all of it. Lost a friend (at least for a while.) Damaged my relationship with my kids. Heard over and over that I couldn’t, I wasn’t able, I should do it this way, etc. I started to believe it. But I needed the companionship. Alone was worse than all of that. Besides, he didn’t hit me, so it wasn’t abuse. Right?
Right????
“Codependent No More”. Stephanie Ellis Ecke has written on codependence here. Pia Mellody also did groundbreaking work and this infographic from here is pretty handy: Pia Mellody on Codependency (click to download) I’m including all of these links because when I first realized (and accepted!) that I’m a codependent personality, it was like a lightning strike. I could accept all of the “A” programs that I might need, but CoDA (Codependents Anonymous)?
REALLY? I am strong and tough. I’ve withstood much. I haven’t stopped loving people. Wanting the best for them. Trying to make the best happen for them… and that’s where the train begins to go off the rails. There’s nothing wrong with wanting the people in your life to be happy and healthy, but that “trying to make the best happen for them…” Yowser.
Especially when that means staying with someone who isn’t safe — whether that is unsafe to your body, your heart,
your mind.
Signs of Codependency… 10 signs of codependency.
I’m raising this issue of codependency because a) it is a part of my overall story and, b)while I am not a therapist or counselor, and there is some dissension about whether those who suffer domestic abuse are codependent, I have lived with domestic abuse and I am codependent. And I’m not alone. I have met many codependent women, many abused women, and there is blurring of the lines. It becomes nearly impossible to make a decision. And I desperately want the readers here to not give up hope on the women who go back again and again and again as they strengthen themselves for that final break. I was rescued. And I went back. And I have regretted it a million times. Sometimes, we just have to have time to strengthen ourselves a little more. And, sadly, life with the abuser is familiar. And most of us crave the familiar.
Please don’t give up on the women you know who need to get out and just haven’t been able to find the strength yet. They are likely fighting battles you can’t imagine. Please be there for them. Listen without judging. Don’t “should” on them (you should do this, you should do that); they get enough of that from their partner.
On October 31 last year, I left my husband, the area I’d lived in for over 30 years, and headed for a new life in another state. This was the culmination of 10 years of a very unhealthy and frequently verbally and emotionally abusive marriage. It is probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done – and that’s saying something since my first husband died while we still had kids in school.
I haven’t kept good track, but I think that before this final break, I had left and gone back four times. I know people wonder why you’d leave, make a getaway, and then go back. It’s confusing even for me to understand. Mostly, church tells women in my position to be respectful, submissive, and pray for him more. There is love. My marriage wasn’t awful all the time. HE wasn’t awful all the time. It’s familiar and I’m a person who thrives on routine and the familiar. I am super nonconfrontational by nature. I have physical disabilities and I’m not particularly adventurous. And I had people in that area whom I loved.
My very close friend was very ill and she and I both knew that after I left, we wouldn’t see one another again this side of Heaven. She was ill and fragile, and it is hard for me to travel. We were right. She died about six weeks after I left. And it still breaks my heart.
And yet with all the hard about leaving… there was a dream of living a life in which I didn’t have to walk on eggshells, being afraid to say the wrong thing, not doing a given task just so. Freedom to explore hobbies and to daydream, to work on my general health, to talk to friends and family freely.
Reach Out Speak Out helped a lot. With practical matters. With encouragement. So did a few friends. I got on a plane and moved 1400 miles away. With the clothes on my back and what I could fit in a carry-on and one checked bag. I broke free.
Breaking free isn’t the hardest part – well, at least it wasn’t for me. It was hard to leave my husband all alone, to leave my friends, to leave many sentimental belongings behind.
But the part that’s really hard is choosing freedom. It was weeks – actually, probably months — before I could embrace that I could read as I chose, go for walks as I wa able, sing (off-key!), play the keyboard, not scour out the sink every day – and it was okay. No yelling, no name-calling, no accusations, no criticisms.
It’s foreign and just kind of weird.
It’s lovely…
I’ve had a series of illnesses pop up, including an issue with panic attacks, and my doctor thinks that the 1-2-3 of it all happening one thing right after the other is just my body finally realizing that it doesn’t have to be in fight or flight mode anymore and things that probably have been becoming issues gradually are now screaming to be attended to.
Not gonna lie, I do miss my husband. The times when we were companionable and getting along. I don’t miss the other 90% of the time. Going No Contact has not been a perfect process. There’s a grief around our separation that is reminiscent of my first husband’s death.
November 1 is officially one year in my new place. I’m getting better at choosing freedom – getting out, going places, doing what I want, sleeping on my body’s schedule, doing the things that I can in order to try to manage my health issues. I haven’t made any friends here yet, but I’m going to push my introvert self to start getting out and trying to be social. I think I just needed this first year to heal. That sounds kind of dramatic, but feels right.
Now I’m embracing freedom and I can’t wait to see what the next year will look like.
If you need information about leaving your abuser safely, please contact us at [email protected] or on this SAFE website
Over the next few weeks, I would like to discuss the phases of domestic violence. The first phase is known as the Honeymoon Phase.
This phase takes from the old adage “the honeymoon is as good as it gets.” Picture the early stages of a relationship. The couple is still getting to know each other. To them, their partner seems warm, charming, and endearing. They share interests and make each other laugh. At this point, there are no red flags. The abuser in this scenario creates a sense of love and security that they hope their partner will love and appreciate. The hope is that, over time, the victim will become so dependent upon the security the abuser provides that they will begin to ignore concerns that begin to creep up. The victim may rationalize these concerns as being a result of their actions.
They may think it’s what they deserve for being difficult to love. They may hope that, by changing themselves, they may be able to change the behavior of the abuser. But by that point, the honeymoon is over, and the reality of the relationship takes hold.
