Warning Signs

STOP - Warning Signs of DV

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU SEE WARNING SIGNS AGAINST YOUR DAUGHTER?

Being the victim of domestic violence makes you very sensitive to the warning signs that others might not see.  As a mother, seeing the warning signs against your daughter makes the hair on the back of your neck stand straight up.  Well, that is exactly what happened in my family.  I am the mother of twins, a boy, and a girl.  They are both grown now.  This is relevant because the initial red flag was my daughter’s boyfriend.  Not against my daughter, rather against her twin brother.

We were having a family gathering and the twins were arguing like siblings do.  My son made a joke to his sister which her boyfriend did not like.  In front of the whole family, he started screaming at my son threatening to hit him.  I walked into the room and he was beat red in the face, very angry.  I asked what was going on and he yelled at me as well.  He immediately left the house.  Both my son and daughter were very upset. 

We continued on with the family dinner and a short time later he returned with a big sob story about his past deeds in life and some far-fetched story about his family.   My husband and I explained to him that this behavior was unacceptable and would not be tolerated in our family ever again.  I had many reservations, but I wanted to give him a chance hoping it was an isolated incident.  I continued to see little things that gave me pause throughout the next few months.  Having been a victim myself I was starting to get worried. 

Fast forward to our family vacation that summer when he joined us on vacation.  For a five-day period, there was sign after sign after sign.  My husband and I decided this was a real threat and we had to take a stand.  When we arrived home from vacation, we explained to our daughter that this was not acceptable, and he was no longer welcome in our home.  She was so blind to it she said we only noticed because I had been a victim myself.  She was angry at first and said she would keep seeing him and just not bring him to our house.  He even called my husband telling him that he had disrespecting him.  She tried this for a week or two but then began seeing the signs herself and left the relationship. 

I am happy to report she is now very happily married to a wonderful man that we have great confidence will make her happy for the rest of her life. 

Getting Involved

Getting Involved

I began getting involved in Reach Out Speak Out about five or six years ago.   Full disclosure Jan, the founder, is my cousin.  Unfortunately like many others it was close to my heart having been the victim of domestic violence myself.  Thankfully, with the help of my family I was able to leave the situation and move on to have a wonderful life with my husband and three children.  Although I moved on, the scars never go away.  Most people do not understand that part of it.  It lasts forever.  The simplest things can remind you of the past.

I was very open with my children about my past history of being a victim domestic violence.  I wanted them to know the warning signs and be prepared if they were ever in the same situation.

I Began With…

I began with a family gift card drive for Reach Out Speak Out every Christmas.  My children were all in high school and had jobs.  I explained to them about the importance of the charity, and they became willing participants in the gift card drive.  You would think it took some prodding, but I must say they would be the ones who’d end up saying when are we sending the gift cards to Reach Out Speak Out.  Now as my children get older and get married and become more established in their lives, they have really taken their role in the charity very seriously.    They have involved their significant others and their families as well.  They all understand the importance of helping people get out of these situations and getting their lives back on track.  So now we do the family/extended family gift card drive and we also contribute to the Purple Passion by contributing to the gift baskets that get raffled off.  I think this year we sent 6 or 7 baskets to help our friends in need.  I even got my boss involved by paying the FedEx cost to ship the baskets as I live in Cleveland, Ohio.

Victims Need Help

Victims of domestic violence are often unable to help themselves.  My family and I are proud to be able to assist them by giving to Reach Out Speak Out.

 

YOU

If there is a most important word in the previous blog it’s the word “you.”

23 “Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like someone who looks at his face in a mirror 24 and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. 25 But whoever looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues in it–not forgetting what they have heard, but doing it—they will be blessed in what they do.” James1:23-25 (NIV)

The only person that can truly put the problems and bad memories of the past behind you is YOU.  Counseling, reaching out for help are all positives, but it is you and you alone that have to make the choice to move forward and to move with a new purpose and attitude adjustment.  No one can do this for you.

5” For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.” 2 Peter1:5-8 (NIV)

The old saying of “actions speak louder than words” is certainly applicable when you are trying to make changes in your life.  It is one thing to talk about it, or even to decide that change is necessary, but until you put action to your words, they are nothing more than words and promises.

“So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.” Luke 11:9 (NIV)

Again, this is where the word “you” comes in.  No one can do this for you.  They can tell you their opinion, they can tell you what they think you should do, but it is up to YOU to take action.  The first step may be the hardest, but you have to take that first step before you can get to the second step of a new Springtime and a new beginning.

14 “What good is it, my brothers and sisters, if someone claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save them? 15 Suppose a brother or a sister is without clothes and daily food. 16 If one of you says to them, “Go in peace; keep warm and well fed,” but does nothing about their physical needs, what good is it? 17 In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.” James 2:14-17 (NIV)

 

Spring and New Beginnings

Spring and New Beginnings

Spring is the time of year when we think about new beginnings.  Leaves are coming back to the trees, the weather gets a little warmer, birds come back from their winter hibernating and there’s a freshness in the air.  When you recognize that you no longer have to live with the things that may have haunted you in the past.

“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.” Isaiah 43:18-19 (NIV)

It’s like you are transitioning your mindset from winter to spring!

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!”  2 Corinthians 5:17 (NIV)

 

Things of the past are behind you, it may have been a tough winter for you, but hope springs eternal when you look at moving forward and making spring your starting point towards a life that is free from all of the chains and bad memories of the past.

The night is nearly over; the day is almost here. So let us put aside the deeds of darkness and put on the armor of light”. Romans 13:12 (NIV)

YOU DON’T HAVE TO RELIVE THEM ANY MORE!  Focus on what’s ahead rather than what’s behind.  You can’t change the past, but you certainly can change your present and your future.

Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.”  Philippians 3:13-14 (NIV)

Love

Who is that person that you are living with?

1. Can you count on your partner to be the same at home as they are in public?
2. Do they treat you the same as if it was just the two of you in the room?
3. Does this sound like both of you? Be kind one to another
4. Can you be open and honest with your lover or do you feel like you are walking on eggshells whenever you have a conversation.

Love is not one-sided. We need to do our part and make sure we are walking and acting the way God expects us to. There isn’t an excuse for either party to not treat another human being with respect.

But God does not want you to be disrespected, put down, belittled, abused physically, mentally, emotionally or any other way. God does not want you to stay with your partner if you are being abused.

Love doesn’t mean that you do not say you’re sorry if you are. But it doesn’t mean that you say you’re sorry and make excuses for your partner. Love does mean you are loved by God. Love is more than expensive dinners, flowers, candy, pampering you. Love is respect, honor, listening to you when you need to be heard.

Honor God

Isaiah 41:10
New International Version
10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Biblical Guidelines for Dating

couple with Bible

Biblical Guidelines for Dating

Before going out on a date with someone, think about these verses.  If your date does not demonstrate and treat you like the Bible says they should, there shouldn’t be a second date.

1 Corinthians 15:33  (NIV)

33 Do not be misled: “Bad company corrupts good character.”[a]

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 English Standard Version (ESV)

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;[a] it does not rejoice at wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Stage 1:  Have you heard anyone say…He’s/she’s great isn’t he/she?  Do you mean they meet the standards above?  Sweet, charming, cute, funny and so loving and I’m really into them. 

Stage2: Does your date say things like… “I’m just saying this because I am jealous of you and I really like you a lot.  I’m becoming obsessed with you.  Don’t get angry but I am not sure I can let go of you. 

(Time to take a look at the motive behind their words and actions.)

Proverbs 4:23 NIV

Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.

Knowing the warning signs may help you identify a friend or loved one victimized by dating abuse:

  • Intense mood swings
  • Loss of interests in things they used to do with you as a group and things they were interested in before starting to date this person
  • Withdrawal from friends and family and no longer have the time to go out with the group of people they used to hang out with
  • Signs of physical harm or wants to change their appearance or what they do and how they act with words and actions
  • Drug use, alcohol, eating changes
  • Unexplainable fear and withdrawal from talking with you and socializing
  • Sabotage or discontinued use of birth control
  • Sexual activity
  • Won’t return your phone calls, texts, social media but is constantly in contact with the new dating partner

Galatians 5:22-24 English Standard Version (ESV)

22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. 24 And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.

 

Reach Out Speak Out

[email protected]

Facebook: @ReachOutSpeakOut

A faith based ministry helping victims of domestic violence within our faith community.

501(3)(C)47-1630804

Dating Violence

DATING VIOLENCE

What if we didn’t wait to tell people about the warning signs of domestic violence when they got married and in a legal arrangement.  What if we educated everyone of the warning signs and what domestic violence is before our children start dating.

  • Did you know one in three teenagers in the United States of America have experienced teenage domestic violence in a dating relationship? (Physical, emotional or verbal)
  • Nearly 1.5 million high school students experience physical abuse from a dating partner in 2019
  • 1 – 10 high school students has been purposefully hit, slapped or physically hurt by a boyfriend/girlfriend
  • 33% of teens who were in an abusive relationship never tell anyone about the abuse
  • 81% of parents believe teen dating violence is not an issue or admit they don’t know if it’s an issue

RESPECT

The definition of respect is….a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements.  To admire someone deeply. 

  • Roughly 1.5 million high school students admit to being hit or physically harmed last year by someone they are romantically involved with
  • Teens who suffer dating abuse are subject to long term consequences like alcoholism, eating disorders, promiscuity, thoughts of suicide and violent behaviors.
  • 50% of young people who experience rape and physical abuse will attempt to commit suicide

(Information collected by Domestic Violence Services, Inc. December, 2019)

     Please help us to spread the word to teens about warning signs of domestic violence.

  • More than half of women (69.5%) and men (54.6%) who have been physically or sexually abused, or stalked by a dating partner first experienced abuse between the ages of 11 and 24.
  • 5% of middle school students report having bullied a classmate
  • Female and male students share the same unfortunate state of 1 in 4 high school students that have experienced sexual and physical abuse by a dating partner have seriously contemplated suicide.

PEOPLE WAKE UP THE TIME TO TALK ABOUT ABUSE IS NOW.

Reach Out Speak Out

[email protected]

Facebook: @ReachOutSpeakOut

A faith based ministry helping victims of domestic violence within our faith community.

501(3)(C)47-1630804

Love Shouldn’t Hurt/Dating Violence

Love Shouldn’t Hurt

bridal couple at sunset

LOVE SHOULDN’T HURT

There was a movie that came on in 1970 called “Love Story.”  A typical romantic movie. But there was a line that became famous from the movie. Love means never having to say I’m sorry. This sounds magical and if you are in a dream world will work.

The truth is if we have been in or are in a relationship, sooner or later you will get hurt…or…you will hurt your partner. Saying you are sorry should be part of your relationship…if you have offended your lover.

Reach Out Speak Out is an organization that has heard many stories of love and hurts.
“Love doesn’t hurt you. A person that doesn’t know how to love hurts you.” Do you understand the difference?

Look Inward and Outward

Take a look at your relationship. Take a look in the mirror at yourself.
1. Are you showing healthy love to your partner?
2. Do they show you healthy love back or is it one-sided?
3. Does your relationship cause you physical, mental, or emotional harm or hurt? If the answer is yes, then it may be time to take a look at your relationship. Is the cause of your physical, mental or emotional hurts an up and down battle that you face on a regular basis?
4. Don’t second-guess yourself and wonder what you did to cause this hurt
5. We are responsible for our own actions…not the actions of someone else.
Please remember, a relationship should not put fear into you.

The Bible On Love

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 NIV
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

The Hurricane of Domestic Violence – 4 (2020)

the hurricane of domestic violenceRemember Me

How many of you remember the name of a hurricane that you or someone you know was in? That name is distasteful in your mouth for that name. If someone says the name Camille, Helena, Andrew to you, what do you think about? You remember those names?

If three women are killed daily in the United States due to domestic violence, will you remember these names? All these names are victims of domestic violence that were killed by the hurricane that was in their lives — the abuser.
Chandra May – age 29
Linda Pa Vue – age 29
Leticia Vela – age 25
Francisa Ramirez – age 38
Lisbet Mendez – age 24
Stacy Locknath – age 26
Stephanie Killeen – age 46
Gretchen Rust – age 64
Tracy Reedy – age 50
Theresa Watts – age 36

We do not want your name to be added to this list. Each of these ladies continued to think that it wouldn’t happen to them. That as a hurricane comes in waves that the storms of this time in their lives would pass again.

Have you told anyone about the hurricanes in your life with your abuser? May I plead with you to tell someone? Let someone know what is going on in your life.

Prepare for the hurricane of your life. Check back at the blogs from Reach Out Speak Out. Check back at the Facebook posts that give you a list of the things you need to do to prepare for the hurricane of domestic violence.
Now is hurricane season. Now is the time for you to prepare for your personal hurricane.

We do not want to add your name to the list above. We do not want you to think that this pattern is going to go away. Protect yourself and your children. You as the abused person have a responsibility to you and your children.
Reach Out Speak Out is here to help you navigate through this hurricane in your life.

We are a non-profit ministry and our focus is on those that are in our faith based community that are in a domestic violence relationship. 501(C)(3)47-1630804 Thank you in advance.

Remember, your time, talent and money can and will save someone’s life.

*To read additional information about the author of this blog, you may be interested in her book called, “It Started With A Hamburger”. It can be downloaded from Amazon.com All royalties go to Reach Out Speak Out.

In August, you will hear from a man who was a domestic violence victim as a child tells his story.

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