Love Shouldn’t Hurt / Dating Violence #4

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angry man pointing finger in blame

Love Shouldn’t Hurt

Do you or do you know someone that is dating and you just don’t feel comfortable with the relationship? Whether it is your own relationship or a friend that you see changing, take a moment to read some of the warning signs of dating violence below. You could save someone’s life from a relationship that is harder and harder to get out of due to the control of the abuser. Remember, an abuser wants to always be in control. If they feel they are losing the control of you or your friend, they will push a lot harder to keep it going. They do not want to lose.

Information from: www.ncdsv.org

What Are the Early Warning Signs of Teen Dating Violence?

Researchers who study teen dating violence have identified several early warning signs that a dating relationship might be likely to turn violent. These warning signs do not mean a relationship will definitely turn violent. However, if you notice several of them in your relationship or partner, you may need to re- evaluate your dating relationship. These warning signs include:

  • Excessive jealousy
  • Constant checking in with you or making you check in with him or her
  • Attempts to isolate you from friends and family
  • Insulting or putting down people that you care about
  • Is too serious about the relationship too quickly
  • Has had a lot of bad prior relationships – and blames all of the problems on the previous partners
  • Is very controlling
  • This may include giving you orders, telling you what to wear, and trying to make all of the decisions for you
  • Blames you when he or she treats you badly by telling you all of the ways you provoked him or her
  • Does not take responsibility for own actions
  • Has an explosive temper (“blows up” a lot)
  • Pressures you into sexual activity with which you are not comfortable
  • Has a history of fighting, hurting animals, or brags about mistreating other people
  • Believes strongly in stereotypical gender roles for males and females
  • You worry about how your partner will react to the things you say or you are afraid of provoking your partner
  • Owns or uses weapons
  • Refuses to let you end the relationship

What can you do if you notice these signs in your relationship?

Trust your intuition! If you believe there may be a problem in your relationship, you are probably right. Do not ignore the warning signs. Research has found that those who have a tendency to engage in relationship violence escalate their abuse over time. In other words, it gets worse over time, not better.

  • Spend time with people you care about other than your partner
  • Stay in touch with your friends
  • Keep up with activities that you enjoy and that make you feel good about yourself
  • You might consider looking into what help or resources might be available in your school or area
  • You might also want to consider calling a domestic violence hotline or shelter for more information before you experience a crisis

 

Reach Out Speak Out

[email protected]

Facebook: @ReachOutSpeakOut

A faith based ministry helping victims of domestic violence within our faith community.

501(3)(C)47-1630804

 

photo credit: Image by ashish choudhary from Pixabay

Love Shouldn’t Hurt / Dating Violence Part 3

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couple at a restaurant; he is kissing her hand

Before going out on a date with someone, think about these verses. If your date does not demonstrate and treat you like the Bible says they should, there shouldn’t be a second date.

1 Corinthians 15:33  (NIV)

33 Do not be misled: “Bad company corrupts good character.”[a]

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 English Standard Version (ESV)

4 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 5 or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;[a] 6 it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Stage 1: Have you heard anyone say…He’s/she’s great isn’t he/she? Do you mean they meet the standards above? Sweet, charming, cute, funny and so loving and I’m really in to them.

Stage2: Does your date say things like… “I’m just saying this because I am jealous of you and I really like you a lot. I’m becoming obsessed with you. Don’t get angry but I am not sure I can let go of you.

(Time to take a look at the motive behind their words and actions.)

Proverbs 4:23 NIV

Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.

Knowing the warning signs may help you identify a friend or loved one victimized by dating abuse:

  • Intense mood swings
  • Loss of interests in things they used to do with you as a group and things they were interested in before starting to date this person
  • Withdrawal from friends and family and no longer has the time to go out with the group of people they used to hang out with
  • Signs of physical harm or wants to change their appearance or what they do and how they act with words and actions
  • Drug use, alcohol, eating changes
  • Unexplainable fear and withdraws from talking with you and socializing
  • Sabotage or discontinued use of birth control
  • Sexual activity
  • Won’t return your phone calls, texts, social media but is constantly in contact with the new dating partner

Galatians 5:22-24 English Standard Version (ESV)

22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. 24 And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.

 

Reach Out Speak Out

[email protected]

Facebook: @ReachOutSpeakOut

A faith based ministry helping victims of domestic violence within our faith community.

501(3)(C)47-1630804

photo credit: Relevante design

Love Shouldn’t Hurt / Dating Violence Pt 2

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Desperate sad woman, head in hands

DATING VIOLENCE

What if we didn’t wait to tell people about the warning signs of domestic violence when they got married and in a legal arrangement. What if we educated everyone of the warning signs and what domestic violence is before our children start dating.

  • Did you know one in three teenagers in the United States of America have experienced teenage domestic violence in a dating relationship? (Physical, emotional or verbal)
  • Nearly 1.5 million high school students experience physical abuse from a dating partner in 2019
  • 1 – 10 high school students has been purposefully hit, slapped or physically hurt by a boyfriend/girlfriend
  • 33% of teens who were in an abusive relationship never tell anyone about the abuse
  • 81% of parents believe teen dating violence is not an issue or admit they don’t know if it’s an issue

RESPECT

The definition of respect is….a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements. To admire someone deeply.

  • Roughly 1.5 million high school students admit to being hit or physically harmed last year by someone they are romantically involved with
  • Teens who suffer dating abuse are subject to long term consequences like alcoholism, eating disorders, promiscuity, thoughts of suicide and violent behaviors.
  • 50% of young people who experience rape and physical abuse will attempt to commit suicide

(Information collected by Domestic Violence Services, Inc. December, 2019)

Please help us to spread the word to teens about warning signs of domestic violence.

  • More than half of women (69.5%) and men (54.6%) who have been physically or sexually abused, or stalked by a dating partner first experienced abuse between the ages of 11 and 24.
  • 8.5% of middle school students report having bullied a classmate
  • Female and male students share the same unfortunate state of 1 in 4 high school students that have experienced sexual and physical abuse by a dating partner have seriously contemplated suicide.

PEOPLE, WAKE UP! THE TIME TO TALK ABOUT ABUSE IS NOW.

Reach Out Speak Out

[email protected]

Facebook: @ReachOutSpeakOut

A faith based ministry helping victims of domestic violence within our faith community.

501(3)(C)47-1630804

Image by Ulrike Mai from Pixabay

Love Shouldn’t Hurt / Dating Violence

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Calendar, flowers, candy, Valentine's Day

February is the month that love is in the air. February 14th is recognized as Valentine’s Day. As you know, your lover is to shower you with flowers, greeting cards, chocolates, expensive dinners, spa treatments, getaways, etc. etc etc… Abusers are good at showering their partner with gifts and they make sure others know what they did for you.

Do Valentine’s Day Gifts Equal Love?

I remember listening to a person that had an above average income constantly telling others what he bought for his wife. He wanted everyone to know that not only did he buy his significant other an expensive piece of jewelry, but he would tell every detail of the gift and the cost of the gift. Who was he trying to impress? The person receiving the gift or was he trying to sing his own praises?

Many abusers need to be the center of attention and they beat their chests with the price for what they did for you. And, when the person that is receiving the gift (usually with strings attached), accepts the gift, they are expected to be overjoyed with gratefulness for the outward appearance that they are a great partner. You are so lucky to have them in your life!

Reality Check

But wait…is this the same person that two weeks ago said there wasn’t any money for you to spend on something you wanted, or you didn’t deserve to do this or that. That you seriously needed to figure out how to make the grocery money go further?

Happy Valentines —- What does it look like in your relationship?

Is your relationship like a trip to an amusement park and you are on a daily roller coaster?

Love Defined

We all like to receive something kind and thoughtful from our partner. We all like to be honored, respected and remembered in a positive way. Just a reminder.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (NIV)

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

How is your relationship compared to this verse? How are you doing as the victim of domestic violence? How is your partner measuring up to this verse? And, we must look at the victim that can be overwhelmed at times…how are you measuring up to this verse. We do not have an excuse to continue to be in God’s will just because someone does not treat us correctly. God will settle the score, not us.

Reach Out Speak Out

[email protected]

Facebook: @ReachOutSpeakOut

A faith based ministry helping victims of domestic violence within our faith community.

501(3)(C)47-1630804

photo credit: @hudsoncrafted at unsplash; used with permission

BE The Change Week 4

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Do Something Great - BE the change!

BE THE CHANGE IN 2020

     What will you do to help Reach Out Speak Out?  You don’t know much about domestic violence and you have never experienced abuse?   Here are some statistics that will educate you to why it is very important.

  • 3 women die every day because of domestic violence
  • Nearly 20 people per minute are physically abused by an intimate partner.  

    Surprised?

  • The number of American troops in Afghanistan and Iraq from 2001 – 2012 saw 6,488 people killed.  For the same period of time, 11,766 women were murdered by their current or ex-male partner.  Huff Post
  • Women with a disability are 40% more likely to experience intimate partner violence
  • Every minute 20 people are victims of intimate partner violence
  • Worldwide- men who were exposed to domestic violence as a child are 3 to 4 times more likely to perpetrate intimate partner violence as an adult vs. men who did not experience domestic violence as a child
  • A women is beaten every 9 seconds in the United States of America
  • Women who are victims of domestic violence are 8 times more likely to be killed by an intimate partner if there are firearms in the house
  • Black women experience intimate partner violence 35% more than white women
  • Domestic violence is the 3rd leading cause of homelessness among families. 

    Do you still feel that we should be silent about domestic violence?  Do you still believe it is a family matter and that we should not get involved with those that are in a domestic violence situation?  

    It is very important that we honor our military and they should be honored.  But, I personally feel that it is time to also do what God has told us to do and that is to honor our wives. 

         Ephesians 5:33, Paul writes, “let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.” In addition to his command toward men, Paul says a wife should respect her husband. 

         Proverbs 3:27 Give Honor Where Honor Is Due. 

         Proverbs 3:27 – Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due, when it is in your power to act. If you have the power to do good, do it as unto the Lord.

     Don’t wait to send flowers to her funeral. 

Make 2020 the year that will be free of domestic violence!

ReachOutSpeakOut.org 

[email protected]

501(3)(C) 47-1630804

BE The Change in 2020 Week 3

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We Can Be Heroes For Just One Day - David Bowie

“Be the change that you wish to see in the world.” Mahatma Gandhi

     You don’t have to understand or know what to do if you think someone is in a domestic violence relationship. 

     How can you help?

  • Know the warning signs
  • Give the person you think may be in a domestic violence relationship the palm card with the warning signs
  • Smile at them and show yourself friendly and with an open heart
  • Invite them to church or a church activity
  • Buy them a meal or a cup of coffee to sit and listen to them. 
  • Have a kind and gentle spirit
  • Appreciate them – find something to encourage them about
  • Be available
  • Believe that you can make a difference in someone’s life — because you are
  • Have faith and pray for them

    BE THE CHANGE IN 2020

    How can you be the change in this world in 2020?   Start with yourself.

  • Start with yourself and evaluate yourself first and then your partner, friends, loved ones, co-workers.  But start with you. 
  • Share your life experiences with someone that is traveling the same road that you have been on before.

    I believe that God does not allow us to go through anything except to learn and to help someone else.  He has trusted us with this experience.  And if we do not help someone else in the same situation, we are wasting these precious moments of lessons and learning.  And, we will also miss the blessing of seeing you able to encourage and walk through a valley with someone else.

    First help yourself to be where God wants you to be.  Then, be available for those that need you in their lives.

James 4:8  (ESV)

8 Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded.

 

Make 2020 the year that will be free of domestic violence!

ReachOutSpeakOut.org 

[email protected]

501(3)(C) 47-1630804

BE The Change

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butterfly in spring

BE THE CHANGE… Reach Out

Reach Out Speak Out encourages you to look at your own relationships and also look around you. If you have any question that there may be abuse with your family, friend, neighbor, co-worker, or that person that you see in church every week, please ask. Just as you hear in the school system…if you see something, say something. please do the same thing if you see any type of domestic violence. It is better to be safe than to let it go and then the person you know is now on the news as a domestic violence situation or even dead.

Remember that 1 in 3 women and 1 in 7 men are in some type of domestic violence relationship. Do you know three women? Do you know seven men? Then you know someone in a domestic violence relationship.

In 2020 you can BE THE CHANGE in someone’s life. You could save their life.

BE THE CHANGE…Are you the abuser? You too can change. God is in the miracle working business. There are many outlets and faith based resources that will help you be the change in your family’s life in 2020.

See the warning signs of domestic violence on our website, ReachOutSpeakOut.org. If you see yourself in any of the warning signs, 2020 can be the year to change that. Can you really say that God wants you to treat your partner the way you are treating them?

2020 is not just another calendar year turning over, it is another decade.

James 1:17: Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.

We need your help to spread the word to our community. If you are a church or community leader and would like more information about Reach Out Speak Out, please contact us. [email protected].

Many in our faith based community do not know how to approach the subject of domestic violence when it comes from a Biblical perspective. We have board and advisory members that will be able to walk you through the process step by step.

Did you know that we have a card that we can give to you to hand out to those that you think may be in a domestic violence relationship. That can be the first step to showing the abused that they are in a domestic violence relationship. A simple card with the warning signs on it to keep and review. We have individuals that have had that card with them for a decade. Whenever they doubt and wonder if they did the right thing by leaving, they can look at the card and realize that the first step that lead to future steps to a world free of abuse.

Be the change in 2020. Be the voice for someone that feels they have lost their voice.
Make 2020 the year that will be free of domestic violence!

ReachOutSpeakOut.org
[email protected]
501(3)(C) 47-1630804

Welcome To 2020!

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woman enjoying day with scarf flying behind

Welcome to 2020!

As a survivor of domestic violence, it is sometimes difficult to think about new beginnings. As we enter in to a new decade, the messages that are out there now are that this is the time that we can start over. That we can just erase away the last decade or more of our lives and in 2020 boom, all will be well with our lives.

If you are living in a dream world, this may be in your dreams. But let’s look at what life really looks like as a person that is in a domestic violence relationship.

The good the bad and the ugly are still a part of your life. Just because the calendar changed dates to January, 2020 does not mean that you miraculously have a relationship that is rid of domestic violence.

Please let me say that it is possible to begin a new life free of domestic violence. I did not say it would be easy. There will be daily challenges. But as a survivor of domestic violence, I can tell you that you can begin 2020 without domestic violence.

At Reach Out Speak Out our first concerns are your safety. There is a safe way to leave your abuser safely. Contact us for more information ReachOutSpeakOut.org or mail us at [email protected].

If you are tired of being abused by your partner whether it is emotional, mental, physical, or financial, please know that God does not want you to be in this situation.

Ephesians 4:32: And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.

Remember that forgiving someone does not mean that you accept the abuse you are receiving from that person. It simply means that you (yourself) can learn to forgive the person that is harming you. It does not mean that you stay in the relationship that is harmful.

Are you ready to take that first step? The first step is the hardest to take. You may not leave your abuser this week or this month. But please, take a step. Consider a safety plan and do one thing each week. Speak to someone at Reach Out Speak Out. Talk to a friend or a church/community leader. Do you have children in this relationship? It is imperative that you do not allow them to think that the way you are being treated is okay. They will grow up not knowing that domestic violence is wrong. They will continue the chain of domestic violence. Make 2020 the year that will be free of domestic violence!

ReachOutSpeakOut.org
[email protected]
501(3)(C) 47-1630804

SETTING BOUNDARIES: It’s All About Guarding Your Heart

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Guard Your Heart

My favorite boundary story concerns my granddaughter. She was 4 years old and her papa had
been teasing her with silly nicknames and she didn’t like it one bit! She turned to him and said
emphatically, “Papa, stop doing that! I don’t like it when you call me names. Just stop it…I
have a “boundary!” I was really shocked that she knew that word, let alone how to use it. But
I was really proud of her; the fact that she knew she could say “no” to something she was not
comfortable with.

I know we have all been in situations where we have needed to take a stand and say “no” to
things that are hurting us but maybe we just didn’t know how. You may be wondering, as I did
years ago, what does a “boundary” look like? Basically boundaries are designed to protect and
honor important parts of ourselves. They enable us to “guard our hearts” by protecting our
values, emotions, time and energy from people who seek to take advantage of us. There are
times we must take a stand against things that are wrong. So having boundaries clarifies what I
will and will NOT accept in my life. Boundaries also help us take “ownership” of our lives by
learning to say “no” and not feel guilty!

The most basic boundary word is “no.” I know for many of us, saying no to others is very
difficult to do. For example, what do you do when someone asks you to work on a project that
you clearly have no time for? And you think you must say “yes” or you will feel guilty? Or think
about the person who will NOT take no for an answer…they push and push until you finally give
in, saying “yes” out of compulsion or for fear of losing their approval. It is so important to know
how to handle these situations by using some of the following boundary phrases:

  • I’m not comfortable with that
  • I disagree
  • No thank you
  • I don’t want to
  • I choose not to
  • I will not allow myself to be talked to like that
  • This is not acceptable

These are all phrases meant to give a clear message to those who try to take away your freedom, time, or energy. Set healthy boundaries and “guard your heart above all else, for it
determines the course of your life.” ( Proverbs 4:23)

— Contributed by Susan Adams

SUCCESS

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S U C C E S S. Thanks to each of you that came out to support our 4th Annual Purple Passion Silent Auction. Another year that we will be able to help victims of domestic violence become survivors. If you would like information about Reach Out Speak Out, you can check out our website ReachOutSpeakOut.org or email us at [email protected] or message us on the Facebook page 💜💜💜💜💜💜

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