Leaving

Should I Stay or Should I Go: Part Two

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should i stay or should i go

Hi, it’s Sunshine again. It has been quite a while since my first post on Should I Stay or Should I Go? went up. I ended that post with this word: Codependence.

It’s Embarrassing.

And frightening and a lot of other hard, negative “ing” words. I was out. Reach Out Speak Out helped me get out. And I went back. And I feel like anything I do is going to hurt somebody or make somebody else mad and it’s my responsibility to keep everybody happy.

Right?

I did some work with a wonderful counselor while I was away. I learned about codependence. Melody Beattie is the most recognized popular author on codependency with her work on Codependent No More. Stephanie Ellis Ecke has written on codependence here. Pia Mellody also did groundbreaking work and this infographic from here is pretty handy: Pia Mellody on Codependency (click to download)

I’m including all of these links because when I first realized (and accepted!) that I’m a codependent personality, it was like a lightning strike. I could accept all of the “A” programs that I might need, but CoDA (Codependents Anonymous)? REALLY?

I am strong and tough. I’ve withstood much. I haven’t stopped loving people. Wanting the best for them. Trying to make the best happen for them… and that’s where the train begins to go off the rails. There’s nothing wrong with wanting the people in your life to be happy and healthy, but that “trying to make the best happen for them…” Yowser.

Especially when that means staying with someone who isn’t safe — whether that is unsafe to your body, your heart, your mind.

Signs of Codependency

Here are 10 signs of codependency.

1. Feeling responsible for solving others’ problems.
2. Offering advice to others whether it is asked for or not.
3. Expecting others to do what the codependent says.
4. The codependent feels used and underappreciated.
5. Trying to please people so others will like or love the codependent.
6. Taking everything personally.
7. Feeling like a victim.
8. Using manipulation, shame, or guilt to control others’ behavior.
9. Lying to themselves and making excuses for others’ bad behavior.
10. Fearing rejection and being unlovable. 

The article in the link goes more in-depth about these things and also covers 10 questions to ask about codependent behavior.

I’m raising this issue of codependency because a) it is a part of my overall story and, b) while I am not a therapist or counselor, and there is some dissension about whether those who suffer domestic abuse are codependent, I have lived with domestic abuse and I am codependent. And I’m not alone. I have met many codependent women, many abused women, and there is blurring of the lines.

It becomes nearly impossible to make a decision.

And I desperately want the readers here to not give up hope on the women who go back again and again and again as they strengthen themselves for that final break.  I was rescued. And I went back. And I have regretted it a million times. Sometimes, we just have to have time to strengthen ourselves a little more. And, sadly, life with the abuser is familiar. And most of us crave the familiar.

Please don’t give up on the women you know who need to get out and just haven’t been able to find the strength yet. They are likely fighting battles you can’t imagine. Please be there for them. Listen without judging. Don’t “should” on them (you should do this, you should do that); they get enough of that from their partner.

Please help fund the efforts of groups like Reach Out Speak Out. One day, your friend or relative will be ready. You’ll want them to have support and help.

I will try to write soon to circle this around to a close. I’m sorry I rambled. This is the life we live, thoughts circling around. This is why Reach Out Speak Out is so valuable! They’ve been there. They get it.

Should I Stay or Should I Go: Part One

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should i stay or should i go

Hi, I’m Sunshine. I have struggled for a couple of decades with “Should I stay or should I go?” I was a client of Reach Out Speak Out and then I wasn’t. This is my story, which I tell in hopes that potential donors and the public at large might understand how difficult it is to make the decision to leave. My story rambles because that is how my life has been.  I am planning it to run for the month of May so please say tuned. 

Is This Abuse?

I’ve been married twice. My first husband died. I never thought of myself as being abused. After my husband’s death, my children (who were more grown-ups than children at that point) told me that I had been an abused wife. Never physically. Well, maybe one time. No. Twice. Anyway. I pushed him past the point of him holding his temper. Of course.

He was verbally and emotionally abusive in many ways. There were a lot of reasons to stay. The kids. He was disabled and needed me to help take care of him. I was financially dependent. God hates divorce. The only reason to leave was that I was just unhappy. And using some really unhealthy behaviors to manage. You don’t break up a marriage, leave a good man when his health is failing, because you’re unhappy.

Right?

Here I Go Again

My husband died. I struggled with being both alone and lonely. Suddenly a single parent. After almost 3 years, I met someone. I just wanted someone to hang out with. I thought. This man made me laugh more than I ever had. He had been through some similar life situations as me and we were about the same age so we had a lot of cultural stuff in common, which was nice. My first husband had been 16 years older and, in terms of music/movies/TV, we were quite different. But we laughed and I wasn’t so lonely anymore.

There were red flags. Big ones.

FLASHING RED GIANT BIG FLAGS.

I believe that you can tell a lot about someone by how they treat people like waitstaff, customer service clerks, other drivers. Does the person try to be kind? Put themselves in the other person’s shoes? That kind of thing.

NewGuy didn’t. Not empathetic or compassionate. Unkind.  Judgmental.  He didn’t like my kids or most of my friends and they didn’t like him.

I overheard conversations he had with other people that indicated that he enjoyed me spending my money on him.

He told me he didn’t find me particularly attractive.  

He corrected the way I talk. He tried to change my beliefs.

He tried to tell me how I should raise my kids. To be fair to him, a lot of people were doing that. But he wasn’t kind about it.

I still was so in dread — not just afraid but in DREAD –of being alone that I turned a blind eye to all of it. Lost a friend (at least for a while.) Damaged my relationship with my kids.

Heard over and over that I couldn’t, I wasn’t able, I should do it this way, etc. I started to believe it.

But I needed the companionship. Alone was worse than all of that. Besides, he didn’t hit me, so it wasn’t abuse. Right?

Right????

Codependence.

More to come next week…

Spring and New Beginnings

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Spring and New Beginnings

Spring is the time of year when we think about new beginnings.  Leaves are coming back to the trees, the weather gets a little warmer, birds come back from their winter hibernating and there’s a freshness in the air.  When you recognize that you no longer have to live with the things that may have haunted you in the past.

“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.” Isaiah 43:18-19 (NIV)

It’s like you are transitioning your mindset from winter to spring!

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!”  2 Corinthians 5:17 (NIV)

 

Things of the past are behind you, it may have been a tough winter for you, but hope springs eternal when you look at moving forward and making spring your starting point towards a life that is free from all of the chains and bad memories of the past.

“The night is nearly over; the day is almost here. So let us put aside the deeds of darkness and put on the armor of light”. Romans 13:12 (NIV)

YOU DON’T HAVE TO RELIVE THEM ANY MORE!  Focus on what’s ahead rather than what’s behind.  You can’t change the past, but you certainly can change your present and your future.

“Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.”  Philippians 3:13-14 (NIV)

The Hurricane of Domestic Violence – 3 (2020)

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the hurricane of domestic violenceA hurricane has hit your family and home. I pray that you prepared for the dangers and devastation that hit your family. I pray that no family member lost their life because of the hurricane.

When the hurricane is over we can finally get our lives back in order. The electric finally comes back on. We can then turn our air conditioning on and cool down from the sweltering heat that we had to endure while the hurricane was going on and deal with the aftereffects of the hurricane.

How does the information above and below represent a domestic violence relationship?
1. The hurricane/domestic violence hits your family/home
2. The abused starts to pray again and again that the family will be spared and that God will protect them again
3. Then the hurricane/domestic violence is over for this round and it is time to get back to business getting everything cleaned up. Whether the cleaning involves broken toys and chairs and dishes. Or a broken spirit from mental and emotional abuse. There is loss. Not just the loss of the abused but the children also had to endure the loss. If the children were not abused, they had to look on to see the destruction of the family.

DEATHS DURING A HURRICANE COMPARED TO DEATHS BECAUSE OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
Catastrophes

Hurricanes And Related Deaths In The United States, 1998-2017

Year Total
hurricanes (1)		 Made landfall
as hurricane
in the U.S.		 Deaths (2)
1998 10 3 23
1999 8 2 60
2000 8 0 4
2001 9 0 42
2002 4 1 5
2003 7 2 24
2004 9 6 (3) 59
2005 15 7 1,518
2006 5 0 0
2007 6 1 1
2008 8 4 (4) 41
2009 3 1 (5) 6
2010 12 0 11
2011 7 1 44
2012 10 1 (6) 83
2013 2 0 1
2014 6 1 2
2015 4 0 3
2016 7 3 36
2017 10 4 147

(1) Atlantic Basin.
(2) Includes fatalities from high winds of less than hurricane force from tropical storms.
(3) One hurricane (Alex) is considered a strike but not technically a landfall.
(4) Includes one hurricane (Hanna) which made landfall as a tropical storm.
(5) Hurricane Ida, which made landfall as a tropical storm.
(6) Excludes Hurricane Sandy which made landfall as a post-tropical storm.

Source: Insurance Information Institute from data supplied by the U.S. Department of Commerce, National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, National Hurricane Center.

iii.org/fact-statistic/facts-statistics-hurricanes

Deaths due to Domestic Violence
Three women are murdered every day, on average, by a current or former male partner in the United States. (Huffington Post)

365 x 3 = 1095

Are you going to be a statistic? There is a way to leave the hurricane of your life safely. You can read our previous blogs, look at our Facebook page, go to our website ReachOutSpeakOut.org. Or email us at [email protected].

Reach Out Speak Out needs your help. Nothing is too small. Whether it is your time, talent or money, we can use it. When a hurricane of life/domestic violence hits someone in your community, the resources become used up very quickly. We don’t want to have to turn someone down. As an insurance policy may tell you that you did not have the right coverage to cover the loss from the hurricane. We at Reach Out Speak Out want to help be your insurance policy. We have helped many families in the seven years that we have been here to help the Tampa Bay area. We are a non-profit ministry and our focus is on those that are in our faith based community that are in a domestic violence relationship. 501(C)(3)47-1630804 Thank you in advance.

Remember, your time, talent and money can and will save someone’s life.

*To read additional information about the author of this blog, you may be interested in her book called, “It Started With A Hamburger”. It can be downloaded from Amazon.com All royalties go to Reach Out Speak Out.

 

The Hurricane of Domestic Violence – 2 (2020)

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the hurricane of domestic violenceThe hurricane of domestic violence has a pattern.

Waves, wind, calmness, waves, winds, calmness, waves, wind, calmness, waves, wind, calmness, waves, wind, calmness, waves, wind, calmness!!!!!!

There is another similarity between a hurricane and domestic violence. We prepare our home to be comfortable, loving, and something we want to call our own. We want to protect our loved ones, memories and our personal property. We would be very sad if one of our loved ones was hurt.

A hurricane comes in waves. The rain comes, and then the winds begin to batter against the house and the palm trees move around looking as though they are going to snap. The pool water even has waves.

There is a calm…a calm before the next wave of a hurricane. Just when you finally feel settled and you are getting back to the calm and sun and play…boom. The whirling of the results of a hurricane comes around again.

If you have never been in the middle of a hurricane, you may not understand the effects or how to prepare for a hurricane. But if this isn’t your first experience, you will understand that a hurricane warning is not something to ignore. It is something that you need to prepare for and accept.

You may get a reprieve, but as soon as you start feeling safe from the winds and flooding…BOOM…it happens again.

Does this sound like a domestic violence relationship that you or someone you know is in?

I am not saying that couples do not have disagreements or have times when they just are not connecting. But, to what extent are you willing to put your life and the life of your children in jeopardy.

Do you know some of the warning signs of domestic violence? Are you continuing to overlook or to cover up what is going on with the hurricanes of your life inside of your home? What do your friends know? What does your church family know? Are you being honest?

Warning Signs of Domestic Violence

  • Calls you names, insults you or continually criticizes you
  • Does not trust your and acts jealous or possessive
  • Tries to isolate you from family or friends
  • Monitors where you go, who you call and who you spend time with
  • Doesn’t want you to work or volunteer or get involved with a group
  • Controls finances or refuses to share money
  • Punishes you by withholding affection
  • Expects you to ask permission
  • Threatens to hurt you, the children your family or your pets
  • Humiliates you
  • Tries to control your life
  • Unrealistic expectations
  • Expects you to be available for them all the time
  • Are afraid to express your thoughts
  • Makes everyone else responsible for their feelings and all problems are yours
  • Push for a quick relationship
  • Sees everything as a personal attack
  • Blows things out of proportion
  • Threatens to reveal personal or damaging information to others
  • History of abuse in family
  • Breaks or strikes objects near you, damages property
  • Pushes, slaps, bites, kicks or chokes you
  • Uses weapon to threaten or hurt you or loved ones
  • Prevents you from calling police or seeking medical attention
  • Physical force.

An abuser is like the hurricane that the weather stations report on. First they start by preparing you for the hurricane, and then they give you information that will help you get ready and tell you how many named hurricanes are expected this year. When the first warning or forecast is shown that your area and home may be in danger, they become more intense with the warnings. Then the TV stations give more air time to the weather reports and even cut in to your favorite TV show because there is danger ahead. They have warned you, they have pleaded with you to prepare.

What is stopping you from leaving your hurricane/domestic violence relationship? How many warnings do you need to hear?

Please, take heed. Do you see yourself or someone you know in the warning signs above? Don’t wait until it is too late. Please do not be a casualty.

*To read additional information about the author of this blog, you may be interested in her book called, “It Started With A Hamburger”. It can be downloaded from Amazon.com All royalties go to Reach Out Speak Out.

To Leave Or Not To Leave… Part One

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Woman with suitcase

To Leave Or Not To Leave is a series of blog posts submitted under the condition of anonymity for obvious reasons. It is, therefore, published under the Admin’s authorship.

Stay and Pray – Not To Leave

I have been married for several years. At least once during each of those years, I have gone through a prolonged period of wondering whether it would be best to leave or not to leave my marriage. The first time was the weekend we got married. Something had changed and I felt sick to the pit of my stomach.

Every instinct was screaming that I had made a mistake. The understanding I have from my Bible and many of my Christian friends told me that I had married him and that the right thing to do was to “stay and pray.” After all, he didn’t beat me or starve me or actually abuse me. If there are no marks, there’s no abuse, right? All the stuff you hear about mental or emotional abuse is really just women being hypersensitive and overreacting, you know. Especially if you are of a certain age.

So I stayed. And I prayed. Oh, how I prayed. At first, I prayed for him to change. And I realized that’s not really how God works so much. So I prayed for God to change me. To make me a better wife, a better person, a better Christian.

Nothing changed. Well, at least, not in the way I had hoped.

Waking Up Sad

I guess it’s not really true that nothing changed. Some of my relationships did. Fundamental parts of me did. I had mostly always felt kind of warrior-strong. I didn’t anymore. I doubted myself. I felt weak and unable to make decisions. I had always awakened happy. More and more, I started waking up sad. I wanted to stay in bed and not deal with the day. I did a poor job of staying in touch with my friends and family. To be fair, I can’t say that he isolated me so much as, because of how I felt, I isolated myself.

I was always afraid to have him around my friends, never being sure of how he would act or what he would say. Mostly, though, I had lost faith that I had any value. Under the weight of constant criticism and neglect, I was afraid that I was stupid and irresponsible and not at all worthy of  love.

I had so much to learn.

… more next week …

 

Photo Credit: Resi Kling

BE The Change

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butterfly in spring

BE THE CHANGE… Reach Out

Reach Out Speak Out encourages you to look at your own relationships and also look around you. If you have any question that there may be abuse with your family, friend, neighbor, co-worker, or that person that you see in church every week, please ask. Just as you hear in the school system…if you see something, say something. please do the same thing if you see any type of domestic violence. It is better to be safe than to let it go and then the person you know is now on the news as a domestic violence situation or even dead.

Remember that 1 in 3 women and 1 in 7 men are in some type of domestic violence relationship. Do you know three women? Do you know seven men? Then you know someone in a domestic violence relationship.

In 2020 you can BE THE CHANGE in someone’s life. You could save their life.

BE THE CHANGE…Are you the abuser? You too can change. God is in the miracle working business. There are many outlets and faith based resources that will help you be the change in your family’s life in 2020.

See the warning signs of domestic violence on our website, ReachOutSpeakOut.org. If you see yourself in any of the warning signs, 2020 can be the year to change that. Can you really say that God wants you to treat your partner the way you are treating them?

2020 is not just another calendar year turning over, it is another decade.

James 1:17: Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.

We need your help to spread the word to our community. If you are a church or community leader and would like more information about Reach Out Speak Out, please contact us. [email protected].

Many in our faith based community do not know how to approach the subject of domestic violence when it comes from a Biblical perspective. We have board and advisory members that will be able to walk you through the process step by step.

Did you know that we have a card that we can give to you to hand out to those that you think may be in a domestic violence relationship. That can be the first step to showing the abused that they are in a domestic violence relationship. A simple card with the warning signs on it to keep and review. We have individuals that have had that card with them for a decade. Whenever they doubt and wonder if they did the right thing by leaving, they can look at the card and realize that the first step that lead to future steps to a world free of abuse.

Be the change in 2020. Be the voice for someone that feels they have lost their voice.
Make 2020 the year that will be free of domestic violence!

ReachOutSpeakOut.org
[email protected]
501(3)(C) 47-1630804

Welcome To 2020!

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woman enjoying day with scarf flying behind

Welcome to 2020!

As a survivor of domestic violence, it is sometimes difficult to think about new beginnings. As we enter in to a new decade, the messages that are out there now are that this is the time that we can start over. That we can just erase away the last decade or more of our lives and in 2020 boom, all will be well with our lives.

If you are living in a dream world, this may be in your dreams. But let’s look at what life really looks like as a person that is in a domestic violence relationship.

The good the bad and the ugly are still a part of your life. Just because the calendar changed dates to January, 2020 does not mean that you miraculously have a relationship that is rid of domestic violence.

Please let me say that it is possible to begin a new life free of domestic violence. I did not say it would be easy. There will be daily challenges. But as a survivor of domestic violence, I can tell you that you can begin 2020 without domestic violence.

At Reach Out Speak Out our first concerns are your safety. There is a safe way to leave your abuser safely. Contact us for more information ReachOutSpeakOut.org or mail us at [email protected].

If you are tired of being abused by your partner whether it is emotional, mental, physical, or financial, please know that God does not want you to be in this situation.

Ephesians 4:32: And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.

Remember that forgiving someone does not mean that you accept the abuse you are receiving from that person. It simply means that you (yourself) can learn to forgive the person that is harming you. It does not mean that you stay in the relationship that is harmful.

Are you ready to take that first step? The first step is the hardest to take. You may not leave your abuser this week or this month. But please, take a step. Consider a safety plan and do one thing each week. Speak to someone at Reach Out Speak Out. Talk to a friend or a church/community leader. Do you have children in this relationship? It is imperative that you do not allow them to think that the way you are being treated is okay. They will grow up not knowing that domestic violence is wrong. They will continue the chain of domestic violence. Make 2020 the year that will be free of domestic violence!

ReachOutSpeakOut.org
[email protected]
501(3)(C) 47-1630804

Bursting Through The Barricades

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hands grasping fence
Mitch Lensink

Emerging from a domestic violence situation into the sun feels an awful lot like bursting through the barricades that separate dark from light. Your barricades might include fear, financial difficulties, isolation, hopelessness, religious beliefs, and so many other things. A few people manage to do it on their own, but most people need help. (Don’t we all?)

A Pivotal Moment

For every survivor of domestic violence with whom I’ve spoken, there has been a pivotal moment when they have made a conscious decision, “No more. I’m not going to let you keep breaking me down. I’m not going to keep making myself smaller and smaller. This is my life and I’m going to own it.” There are a lot of different factors that get us to those moments. A real threat to our kids’ safety. An injury that goes beyond a bruise or sprain. Being completely isolated from our friends or family, whether out of fear or shame. It doesn’t matter what gets you to that moment. It only matters that you get there.

It’s your life. You’re worthy.

Make A Plan

Have you had that moment? If you have, you need a plan. In June, Jan wrote a series comparing the preparation plan for a hurricane or other major storm to a plan for getting ready to leave a DV situation. You can read Part 1 here.  Your first step, though, should be to contact a group like Reach Out Speak Out, with people who are trained and, sadly, have much experience in this. 

Share With Someone

You can try to get out on your own. But life, in general, is so much easier and better with friends who care about you. Tell someone what’s going on in your life. If you can’t tell your family or friends, tell us. We care.

We want you to live your best life being fully and vibrantly yourself.

Need an anthem? (I have always liked having songs to help inspire me and I know I’m not alone!) Here’s one that I use whenever I’m afraid or the old you’re-not-good-enough scripts start playing in my head (and I thank my friend, Beth, for reminding me of it):

The Hurricane Of Domestic Violence – 4

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the hurricane of domestic violenceRemember Me

How many of you remember the name of a hurricane that you or someone you know was in? That name is distasteful in your mouth for that name. If someone says the name Camille, Helena, Andrew to you, what do you think about? You remember those names?

If three women are killed daily in the United States due to domestic violence, will you remember these names? All these names are victims of domestic violence that were killed by the hurricane that was in their lives — the abuser.
Chandra May – age 29
Linda Pa Vue – age 29
Leticia Vela – age 25
Francisa Ramirez – age 38
Lisbet Mendez – age 24
Stacy Locknath – age 26
Stephanie Killeen – age 46
Gretchen Rust – age 64
Tracy Reedy – age 50
Theresa Watts – age 36

We do not want your name to be added to this list. Each of these ladies continued to think that it wouldn’t happen to them. That as a hurricane comes in waves that the storms of this time in their lives would pass again.

Have you told anyone about the hurricanes in your life with your abuser? May I plead with you to tell someone? Let someone know what is going on in your life.

Prepare for the hurricane of your life. Check back at the blogs from Reach Out Speak Out. Check back at the Facebook posts that give you a list of the things you need to do to prepare for the hurricane of domestic violence.
Now is hurricane season. Now is the time for you to prepare for your personal hurricane.

We do not want to add your name to the list above. We do not want you to think that this pattern is going to go away. Protect yourself and your children. You as the abused person have a responsibility to you and your children.
Reach Out Speak Out is here to help you navigate through this hurricane in your life.

We are a non-profit ministry and our focus is on those that are in our faith based community that are in a domestic violence relationship. 501(C)(3)47-1630804 Thank you in advance.

Remember, your time, talent and money can and will save someone’s life.

*To read additional information about the author of this blog, you may be interested in her book called, “It Started With A Hamburger”. It can be downloaded from Amazon.com All royalties go to Reach Out Speak Out.

In August, you will hear from a man who was a domestic violence victim as a child tells his story.

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