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A Different Point of View:
I became involved in Reach Out Speak Out because I know firsthand the long-lasting effects of domestic violence.  I am the male spouse of a domestic violence survivor.  I say male spouse as a matter of context only as I am certainly aware that males can and be victims as well.  My wife of 30+ years was in a domestic violence relationship during high school and several years after high school.  Yes, it can and does start that early.  Her abuser did terrible things to her.  He was not only verbally and physically abusive but was also psychologically abusive.  She shared a story with me, a re-occurring one at that where her abuser, while raging over something petty would drive his vehicle at a high rate of speed toward fixed objects like telephone poles and mailboxes.  He would always swerve out of the way at the last minute, but at the time she didn’t know if that’s what he would do.  He would also drive at extremely high rates of speed on the highway and slam on his brakes or would get into road rage situations with other motorists and tailgate them.  Can you imagine the effects this has on a teenaged girl?  She has told me that as a result of this abuse she dreams, or should I say nightmares that she will die in a traffic crash. 

To this day, 30+ years later my wonderful wife is still deathly afraid to drive on the highway.  She is as nervous as a cat even when I drive on the highway.  So much so that if we are going somewhere close by and have an option to take the highway or talk surface roads, she prefers to take the surface roads.  Of course, I tell her I’ll take whichever route she wants me to take.

I could go on and on and provide many other examples of how her domestic violence has had a lasting effect on her.  It breaks my heart.  The bottom line is that if you find yourself in a relationship where your partner was the victim of domestic violence, please, please listen to their story and have compassion.  Your love and understanding may heal those wounds but keep in mind it may last a lifetime.     

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU SEE WARNING SIGNS AGAINST YOUR DAUGHTER?

Being the victim of domestic violence makes you very sensitive to the warning signs that others might not see.  As a mother, seeing the warning signs against your daughter makes the hair on the back of your neck stand straight up.  Well, that is exactly what happened in my family.  I am the mother of twins, a boy, and a girl.  They are both grown now.  This is relevant because the initial red flag was my daughter’s boyfriend.  Not against my daughter, rather against her twin brother.

We were having a family gathering and the twins were arguing like siblings do.  My son made a joke to his sister which her boyfriend did not like.  In front of the whole family, he started screaming at my son threatening to hit him.  I walked into the room and he was beat red in the face, very angry.  I asked what was going on and he yelled at me as well.  He immediately left the house.  Both my son and daughter were very upset. 

We continued on with the family dinner and a short time later he returned with a big sob story about his past deeds in life and some far-fetched story about his family.   My husband and I explained to him that this behavior was unacceptable and would not be tolerated in our family ever again.  I had many reservations, but I wanted to give him a chance hoping it was an isolated incident.  I continued to see little things that gave me pause throughout the next few months.  Having been a victim myself I was starting to get worried. 

Fast forward to our family vacation that summer when he joined us on vacation.  For a five-day period, there was sign after sign after sign.  My husband and I decided this was a real threat and we had to take a stand.  When we arrived home from vacation, we explained to our daughter that this was not acceptable, and he was no longer welcome in our home.  She was so blind to it she said we only noticed because I had been a victim myself.  She was angry at first and said she would keep seeing him and just not bring him to our house.  He even called my husband telling him that he had disrespecting him.  She tried this for a week or two but then began seeing the signs herself and left the relationship. 

I am happy to report she is now very happily married to a wonderful man that we have great confidence will make her happy for the rest of her life.