Sunshine

VULNERABLE – Week 1

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Almost 3 years after my first husband died, I met someone. I just wanted someone to hang out with. I thought. This man made me laugh more than I ever had. He had been through some similar life situations as me and we were about the same age so we had a lot of cultural stuff in common, which was nice. My first husband had been 16 years older and, in terms of music/movies/TV, we were quite different. But NewGuy and I laughed and I wasn’t so lonely anymore.

There were red flags. Big ones.
FLASHING RED GIANT BIG FLAGS.

NewGuy wasn’t empathetic or compassionate. He was unkind and judgmental. He didn’t like my kids or most of my friends and they didn’t like him. I overheard conversations he had with other people that indicated that he enjoyed me spending my money on him. He told me he didn’t find me particularly attractive. He corrected the way I talk. He tried to change my beliefs.He tried to tell me how I should raise my kids. To be fair to him, a lot of people were doing that. But he wasn’t kind about it.

I still was so in dread — not just afraid but in DREAD –of being alone that I turned a blind eye to all of it. Lost a friend (at least for a while.) Damaged my relationship with my kids. Heard over and over that I couldn’t, I wasn’t able, I should do it this way, etc. I started to believe it. But I needed the companionship. Alone was worse than all of that. Besides, he didn’t hit me, so it wasn’t abuse. Right?

Right????

CODEPENDENT NO MORE – Week 2

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“Codependent No More”. Stephanie Ellis Ecke has written on codependence here. Pia Mellody also did groundbreaking work and this infographic from here is pretty handy: Pia Mellody on Codependency (click to download) I’m including all of these links because when I first realized (and accepted!) that I’m a codependent personality, it was like a lightning strike. I could accept all of the “A” programs that I might need, but CoDA (Codependents Anonymous)?

REALLY? I am strong and tough. I’ve withstood much. I haven’t stopped loving people. Wanting the best for them. Trying to make the best happen for them… and that’s where the train begins to go off the rails. There’s nothing wrong with wanting the people in your life to be happy and healthy, but that “trying to make the best happen for them…” Yowser.

Especially when that means staying with someone who isn’t safe — whether that is unsafe to your body, your heart,
your mind.

Signs of Codependency… 10 signs of codependency.

  1. Feeling responsible for solving others’ problems.
  2. Offering advice to others whether it is asked for or not.
  3. Expecting others to do what the codependent says.
  4. The codependent feels used and underappreciated.
  5. Trying to please people so others will like or love the codependent.
  6. Taking everything personally.
  7. Feeling like a victim.
  8. Using manipulation, shame, or guilt to control others’ behavior.
  9. Lying to themselves and making excuses for others’ bad behavior.
  10. Fearing rejection and being unlovable.

I’m raising this issue of codependency because a) it is a part of my overall story and, b)while I am not a therapist or counselor, and there is some dissension about whether those who suffer domestic abuse are codependent, I have lived with domestic abuse and I am codependent. And I’m not alone. I have met many codependent women, many abused women, and there is blurring of the lines. It becomes nearly impossible to make a decision. And I desperately want the readers here to not give up hope on the women who go back again and again and again as they strengthen themselves for that final break. I was rescued. And I went back. And I have regretted it a million times. Sometimes, we just have to have time to strengthen ourselves a little more. And, sadly, life with the abuser is familiar. And most of us crave the familiar.

Please don’t give up on the women you know who need to get out and just haven’t been able to find the strength yet. They are likely fighting battles you can’t imagine. Please be there for them. Listen without judging. Don’t “should” on them (you should do this, you should do that); they get enough of that from their partner.

BREAKING FREE (FOR REAL THIS TIME) – Week 3

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On October 31 last year, I left my husband, the area I’d lived in for over 30 years, and headed for a new life in another state. This was the culmination of 10 years of a very unhealthy and frequently verbally and emotionally abusive marriage. It is probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done – and that’s saying something since my first husband died while we still had kids in school.

I haven’t kept good track, but I think that before this final break, I had left and gone back four times. I know people wonder why you’d leave, make a getaway, and then go back. It’s confusing even for me to understand. Mostly, church tells women in my position to be respectful, submissive, and pray for him more. There is love. My marriage wasn’t awful all the time. HE wasn’t awful all the time. It’s familiar and I’m a person who thrives on routine and the familiar. I am super nonconfrontational by nature. I have physical disabilities and I’m not particularly adventurous. And I had people in that area whom I loved.

My very close friend was very ill and she and I both knew that after I left, we wouldn’t see one another again this side of Heaven. She was ill and fragile, and it is hard for me to travel. We were right. She died about six weeks after I left. And it still breaks my heart.

And yet with all the hard about leaving… there was a dream of living a life in which I didn’t have to walk on eggshells, being afraid to say the wrong thing, not doing a given task just so. Freedom to explore hobbies and to daydream, to work on my general health, to talk to friends and family freely.

Reach Out Speak Out helped a lot. With practical matters. With encouragement. So did a few friends. I got on a plane and moved 1400 miles away. With the clothes on my back and what I could fit in a carry-on and one checked bag. I broke free.

CHOOSING FREEDOM – Week 4

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Breaking free isn’t the hardest part – well, at least it wasn’t for me. It was hard to leave my husband all alone, to leave my friends, to leave many sentimental belongings behind.

But the part that’s really hard is choosing freedom. It was weeks – actually, probably months — before I could embrace that I could read as I chose, go for walks as I wa able, sing (off-key!), play the keyboard, not scour out the sink every day – and it was okay. No yelling, no name-calling, no accusations, no criticisms.

It’s foreign and just kind of weird.

It’s lovely…

I’ve had a series of illnesses pop up, including an issue with panic attacks, and my doctor thinks that the 1-2-3 of it all happening one thing right after the other is just my body finally realizing that it doesn’t have to be in fight or flight mode anymore and things that probably have been becoming issues gradually are now screaming to be attended to.

Not gonna lie, I do miss my husband. The times when we were companionable and getting along. I don’t miss the other 90% of the time. Going No Contact has not been a perfect process. There’s a grief around our separation that is reminiscent of my first husband’s death.

November 1 is officially one year in my new place. I’m getting better at choosing freedom – getting out, going places, doing what I want, sleeping on my body’s schedule, doing the things that I can in order to try to manage my health issues. I haven’t made any friends here yet, but I’m going to push my introvert self to start getting out and trying to be social. I think I just needed this first year to heal. That sounds kind of dramatic, but feels right.

Now I’m embracing freedom and I can’t wait to see what the next year will look like.

If you need information about leaving your abuser safely, please contact us at [email protected] or on this SAFE website

Should I Stay or Should I Go: Part Two

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should i stay or should i go

Hi, it’s Sunshine again. It has been quite a while since my first post on Should I Stay or Should I Go? went up. I ended that post with this word: Codependence.

It’s Embarrassing.

And frightening and a lot of other hard, negative “ing” words. I was out. Reach Out Speak Out helped me get out. And I went back. And I feel like anything I do is going to hurt somebody or make somebody else mad and it’s my responsibility to keep everybody happy.

Right?

I did some work with a wonderful counselor while I was away. I learned about codependence. Melody Beattie is the most recognized popular author on codependency with her work on Codependent No More. Stephanie Ellis Ecke has written on codependence here. Pia Mellody also did groundbreaking work and this infographic from here is pretty handy: Pia Mellody on Codependency (click to download)

I’m including all of these links because when I first realized (and accepted!) that I’m a codependent personality, it was like a lightning strike. I could accept all of the “A” programs that I might need, but CoDA (Codependents Anonymous)? REALLY?

I am strong and tough. I’ve withstood much. I haven’t stopped loving people. Wanting the best for them. Trying to make the best happen for them… and that’s where the train begins to go off the rails. There’s nothing wrong with wanting the people in your life to be happy and healthy, but that “trying to make the best happen for them…” Yowser.

Especially when that means staying with someone who isn’t safe — whether that is unsafe to your body, your heart, your mind.

Signs of Codependency

Here are 10 signs of codependency.

1. Feeling responsible for solving others’ problems.
2. Offering advice to others whether it is asked for or not.
3. Expecting others to do what the codependent says.
4. The codependent feels used and underappreciated.
5. Trying to please people so others will like or love the codependent.
6. Taking everything personally.
7. Feeling like a victim.
8. Using manipulation, shame, or guilt to control others’ behavior.
9. Lying to themselves and making excuses for others’ bad behavior.
10. Fearing rejection and being unlovable. 

The article in the link goes more in-depth about these things and also covers 10 questions to ask about codependent behavior.

I’m raising this issue of codependency because a) it is a part of my overall story and, b) while I am not a therapist or counselor, and there is some dissension about whether those who suffer domestic abuse are codependent, I have lived with domestic abuse and I am codependent. And I’m not alone. I have met many codependent women, many abused women, and there is blurring of the lines.

It becomes nearly impossible to make a decision.

And I desperately want the readers here to not give up hope on the women who go back again and again and again as they strengthen themselves for that final break.  I was rescued. And I went back. And I have regretted it a million times. Sometimes, we just have to have time to strengthen ourselves a little more. And, sadly, life with the abuser is familiar. And most of us crave the familiar.

Please don’t give up on the women you know who need to get out and just haven’t been able to find the strength yet. They are likely fighting battles you can’t imagine. Please be there for them. Listen without judging. Don’t “should” on them (you should do this, you should do that); they get enough of that from their partner.

Please help fund the efforts of groups like Reach Out Speak Out. One day, your friend or relative will be ready. You’ll want them to have support and help.

I will try to write soon to circle this around to a close. I’m sorry I rambled. This is the life we live, thoughts circling around. This is why Reach Out Speak Out is so valuable! They’ve been there. They get it.

Should I Stay or Should I Go: Part One

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should i stay or should i go

Hi, I’m Sunshine. I have struggled for a couple of decades with “Should I stay or should I go?” I was a client of Reach Out Speak Out and then I wasn’t. This is my story, which I tell in hopes that potential donors and the public at large might understand how difficult it is to make the decision to leave. My story rambles because that is how my life has been.  I am planning it to run for the month of May so please say tuned. 

Is This Abuse?

I’ve been married twice. My first husband died. I never thought of myself as being abused. After my husband’s death, my children (who were more grown-ups than children at that point) told me that I had been an abused wife. Never physically. Well, maybe one time. No. Twice. Anyway. I pushed him past the point of him holding his temper. Of course.

He was verbally and emotionally abusive in many ways. There were a lot of reasons to stay. The kids. He was disabled and needed me to help take care of him. I was financially dependent. God hates divorce. The only reason to leave was that I was just unhappy. And using some really unhealthy behaviors to manage. You don’t break up a marriage, leave a good man when his health is failing, because you’re unhappy.

Right?

Here I Go Again

My husband died. I struggled with being both alone and lonely. Suddenly a single parent. After almost 3 years, I met someone. I just wanted someone to hang out with. I thought. This man made me laugh more than I ever had. He had been through some similar life situations as me and we were about the same age so we had a lot of cultural stuff in common, which was nice. My first husband had been 16 years older and, in terms of music/movies/TV, we were quite different. But we laughed and I wasn’t so lonely anymore.

There were red flags. Big ones.

FLASHING RED GIANT BIG FLAGS.

I believe that you can tell a lot about someone by how they treat people like waitstaff, customer service clerks, other drivers. Does the person try to be kind? Put themselves in the other person’s shoes? That kind of thing.

NewGuy didn’t. Not empathetic or compassionate. Unkind.  Judgmental.  He didn’t like my kids or most of my friends and they didn’t like him.

I overheard conversations he had with other people that indicated that he enjoyed me spending my money on him.

He told me he didn’t find me particularly attractive.  

He corrected the way I talk. He tried to change my beliefs.

He tried to tell me how I should raise my kids. To be fair to him, a lot of people were doing that. But he wasn’t kind about it.

I still was so in dread — not just afraid but in DREAD –of being alone that I turned a blind eye to all of it. Lost a friend (at least for a while.) Damaged my relationship with my kids.

Heard over and over that I couldn’t, I wasn’t able, I should do it this way, etc. I started to believe it.

But I needed the companionship. Alone was worse than all of that. Besides, he didn’t hit me, so it wasn’t abuse. Right?

Right????

Codependence.

More to come next week…

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