CODEPENDENT? YOU PROBABLY DON’T HAVE BOUNDARIES – Part 1

WEEK ONE…Jan Porter

Many of us people of faith feel we need to fix or change someone and that it is our responsibility to
do it. And…if the individual we are trying to “help/fix” doesn’t change we take on that responsibility
and usually feel hurt.

WOW, that’s a lot to put on our shoulders. We have enough on our plates to “fix” ourselves and be
accountable to God and His principles. That is where we need to start.

I am not saying that if someone is asking for help that we walk away. NO! We help by example,
training, counseling, prayer and the most important thing we can help people with is by examples in
the Bible and listening We are all a constant work in progress and thank God for His loving and kind
gentle nudges we get as we begin our journey of leaving our codependent habits. It is truly looking
inside ourselves. Once we learn to discontinue our codependent behaviors, we will see there are a lot
of relationships that are “making us responsible” for them and that we have lost who God intended us
to be.

This blog will help take those difficult and painful steps we need to take to not be codependent and
begin setting up healthy Godly boundaries.

Are you ready for a bumpy road in the next three weeks? A lot of truth will be said that may take
you a while to digest and to look in the mirror to see if what is being said is about the person in
that mirror. YOU

CODEPENDENT? YOU PROBABLY DON’T HAVE BOUNDARIES – Part 2

WEEK TWO…Jan Porter

Proverbs 3:5-7

5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; 6 in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. 7 Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD and shun evil. As I write this, I want to make it clear that I am speaking about adult to adult. We are responsible for our children. We are responsible to teach and correct our children (till they become adults).

Codependency can become a problem in a relationship of a couple, relatives, co-workers, friends or even your neighbor.

      TOP TEN CHARACTERISTICS OF A CODEPENDENT PERSON

1. Codependent people confuse love with the caretaking of, pity for and the needs of others.

They may have a tendency to be completely devoted to the needs of their partner. They tend to be excessively preoccupied and
consumed with their partners’ emotional and personal needs. There is often a strong compulsion to fix or to save their partner.

2. Codependent people are generally very loving, kind, and caring people.

They gravitate towards working in the helping professions or caretaker professions and they are exceptional at their jobs. But unfortunately, they can feel not quite good enough, despite all their giving, and feel an unwarranted sense of shame and worthlessness.

3. Codependent people can confuse intensity with intimacy.

Codependent relationships will be based on a lot of drama, chaos, breaking up and make up. Often a codependent person can feel
incomplete or worthless and afraid to be alone if they perceive abandonment or if their partner threatens to leave. They can have a sort of craving for a person or a relationship. In a very real sense, it can be an addiction to someone

4. Surprisingly, codependent people are actually biochemically codependent.

They could be named “love addicts” or “relationship addicts.” They often have unrealistic expectations for unconditional love, and
they can view their potential partners through a distorted sense of reality. They can also fantasize about their relationships and
can feel angry and disappointed when the fantasy fades or doesn’t materialize.

5. Codependent people tend to attract partners who have a lot of personal issues.

They often attract partners with personality disorders, such as narcissists or sociopaths. They seek the type of person who can take care of someone who clearly needs their help. They can feel bored or helpless if they are not attending to someone’s crisis or needs in some way.

6. Codependent people will use their relationship as a cover for loneliness.

They often have an intense need to be loved. They attract partners who are manipulative, abandoning, controlling, self-centered
and who have very little consideration for them.

7. Codependent people prefer giving to receiving.

Research shows they express confusion and frustration as to why some people don’t seem to care as much as they do. They can be
very good at pretending that they are feeling good but are in fact not. They have learn to suppress their emotions because their emotions are not considered the priority. This could result in repressing feelings with medication, food, drugs, or alcohol.

8. A codependent person may feel very responsible for another person’s thoughts, feelings, or lack of well-being.

They assume the responsibility to carry the world’s problems on their shoulders. They can often feel anxiety or guilt when someone else has a problem. They feel upset when other people don’t take their advice.

9. Codependent people will tend to try to stay with a partner even when facing serious problems like addiction, abuse, or infidelity.

A codependent enables this type of behavior to continue and will often deny reality so that their fantasy can continue. In a very real way, the codependent agrees to work harder on their partners’ issues than their partners themselves.

10. Codependent people pride themselves on being loyal, obedient, caring, dedicated, and accommodating.

They try to anticipate everybody’s needs but secretly they can foster feelings of bitterness, resentment, sadness, and pain.

Many codependent people who were raised in dysfunctional families had to grow up fast to survive. They learned how to take care of their parents or siblings and to take responsibility for much within the family.

Therapy helps us to gain self-awareness about all these issues and to become willing to work on and change behavioral patterns.

It helps to create better communication, to nurture ourselves and to break the bonds of codependency and dysfunctional behaviors.

Are you codependent? Do you feel you are one-handedly trying to fix something that is impossible for you to fix?

We can pray for that person. We can express our feelings. But we cannot change the other person by our actions. If we continue to come to their rescue, cover-up things or even feel like we are the guilty party for those actions you are fighting a losing battle.

May I suggest a book by Melody Beattie “Codependent No More”. Read it and see if you are codependent. It will help you through the process of healing.

Our approval is from God and not others. I Thessalonians 2:4 NKJV

But as we have been approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel, even so we speak, not as pleasing men, but God who tests our hearts.

We are being approved by God for ourselves, not the other adult. We are not responsible for that other person. As I said in the beginning, if we are taking care of being responsible for ourselves, we really don’t have time to “feel and act” responsible for others.

Who are you trying to please?

Are you codependent? Do you feel you are one-handedly trying to fix something that is impossible for you to fix?

We can pray for that person. We can express our feelings. But we cannot change the other person by our actions. If we continue
to come to their rescue, cover-up things or even feel like we are the guilty party for those actions you are fighting a losing battle.

May I suggest a book by Melody Beattie “Codependent No More”. Read it and see if you are codependent. It will help you
through the process of healing.

Our approval is from God and not others. I Thessalonians 2:4 NKJV

But as we have been approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel, even so we speak, not as pleasing men, but God who
tests our hearts.

We are being approved by God for ourselves, not the other adult. We are not responsible for that other person. As I said in
the beginning, if we are taking care of being responsible for ourselves, we really don’t have time to “feel and act” responsible
for others.

Who are you trying to please?

Let’s begin looking in the mirror at ourselves. We are responsible for who we are. Start a list of how God is showing you
the things you need to change in your life.

We can pray for other people but we cannot change them.

CODEPENDENT? YOU PROBABLY DON’T HAVE BOUNDARIES – Part 3

WEEK THREE…Jan Porter

I like to refer back to the book of James. If I feel myself slipping back into codependency or my thoughts are how to “correct/help/fix” someone else, I go back and look at myself to make sure I am in God’s will. Then you will not have time or energy to try and “fix” someone else that may not even want to be “fixed”.

Matthew 7:5 New International Version

5 You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.

Isn’t codependency and fixing a side bar to not wanting to look at ourselves but rather see the sins of others and then making those sins our responsibilities?

Let’s stop trying to control others…because we really aren’t anyway, and we need to start caring for ourselves and be responsible for ourselves.

“Love doesn’t hurt us. People-pleasing hurts us. Pretending everything is okay hurts us. Silencing ourselves hurt us. Having no
boundaries hurts us. Not having our own back hurts us. Self-abandonment hurts us. Another person’s unhealed s- – – – hurts us. Love liberates, and relational challenges shine a light on where we are not yet liberated.” Mark Groves

Isaiah 26: 3-4

3 You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you.
4 Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord himself, is the rock eternal.

Let’s take a moment to examine ourselves. Am I codependent? Have I lost myself trying to “fix” someone else?

Is the “fixing/help” you are trying to do with someone actually your “fix” that you need in your life?

CODEPENDENT? YOU PROBABLY DON’T HAVE BOUNDARIES – Part 4

WEEK FOUR…Jan Porter

Now that you realize that you are codependent and you are working not to be codependent, there is another ugly matter that
pops through called Boundaries.

You don’t have any! The people you have been trying to “fix” have crossed many of your boundaries. The longer you stay
codependent the more your boundaries will be crossed.

But because you were trying to “fix” their issues you allowed things to happen that should not have been accepted.

What are your boundaries. Have you been dishonored? How does that make you feel? Think or write your feelings down. Has it
been so long that you have not even though or realized that you were being dishonored? It is time to begin learning to set healthy
boundaries.

Write down five boundaries to begin. Pray over them. Write them where you go often around your home or car or office. Start your day reading what your boundaries are. Make note of when someone is crossing that boundary. When you finally get comfortable with your new lifestyle or not being codependent and you have set boundaries; it is time to implement your boundaries in your daily life.

May I suggest a wonderful book called “Boundaries” by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.

The book gives examples of how people have crossed boundaries and helpful ways to not accept people to cross your boundaries in a Godly manner.

If you are in a domestic violence relationship, I can assure you that you have become codependent and your boundaries have been
crossed.

~Do you try and fix things your abuser has done
~Do you cover up for them
~Do you miss events and opportunities because the abuser may get upset
~Do you make excuses
~Do you forget to take care of yourself as your body is God’s temple because your time and energy go to helping your abuser

What have you given away by being codependent without boundaries. Begin living the life that God has planned for you as His child.

Love

Who is that person that you are living with?

1. Can you count on your partner to be the same at home as they are in public?
2. Do they treat you the same as if it was just the two of you in the room?
3. Does this sound like both of you? Be kind one to another
4. Can you be open and honest with your lover or do you feel like you are walking on eggshells whenever you have a conversation.

Love is not one-sided. We need to do our part and make sure we are walking and acting the way God expects us to. There isn’t an excuse for either party to not treat another human being with respect.

But God does not want you to be disrespected, put down, belittled, abused physically, mentally, emotionally or any other way. God does not want you to stay with your partner if you are being abused.

Love doesn’t mean that you do not say you’re sorry if you are. But it doesn’t mean that you say you’re sorry and make excuses for your partner. Love does mean you are loved by God. Love is more than expensive dinners, flowers, candy, pampering you. Love is respect, honor, listening to you when you need to be heard.

Honor God

Isaiah 41:10
New International Version
10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Biblical Guidelines for Dating

couple with Bible

Biblical Guidelines for Dating

Before going out on a date with someone, think about these verses.  If your date does not demonstrate and treat you like the Bible says they should, there shouldn’t be a second date.

1 Corinthians 15:33  (NIV)

33 Do not be misled: “Bad company corrupts good character.”[a]

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 English Standard Version (ESV)

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;[a] it does not rejoice at wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Stage 1:  Have you heard anyone say…He’s/she’s great isn’t he/she?  Do you mean they meet the standards above?  Sweet, charming, cute, funny and so loving and I’m really into them. 

Stage2: Does your date say things like… “I’m just saying this because I am jealous of you and I really like you a lot.  I’m becoming obsessed with you.  Don’t get angry but I am not sure I can let go of you. 

(Time to take a look at the motive behind their words and actions.)

Proverbs 4:23 NIV

Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.

Knowing the warning signs may help you identify a friend or loved one victimized by dating abuse:

  • Intense mood swings
  • Loss of interests in things they used to do with you as a group and things they were interested in before starting to date this person
  • Withdrawal from friends and family and no longer have the time to go out with the group of people they used to hang out with
  • Signs of physical harm or wants to change their appearance or what they do and how they act with words and actions
  • Drug use, alcohol, eating changes
  • Unexplainable fear and withdrawal from talking with you and socializing
  • Sabotage or discontinued use of birth control
  • Sexual activity
  • Won’t return your phone calls, texts, social media but is constantly in contact with the new dating partner

Galatians 5:22-24 English Standard Version (ESV)

22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. 24 And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.

 

Reach Out Speak Out

[email protected]

Facebook: @ReachOutSpeakOut

A faith based ministry helping victims of domestic violence within our faith community.

501(3)(C)47-1630804

Dating Violence

DATING VIOLENCE

What if we didn’t wait to tell people about the warning signs of domestic violence when they got married and in a legal arrangement.  What if we educated everyone of the warning signs and what domestic violence is before our children start dating.

  • Did you know one in three teenagers in the United States of America have experienced teenage domestic violence in a dating relationship? (Physical, emotional or verbal)
  • Nearly 1.5 million high school students experience physical abuse from a dating partner in 2019
  • 1 – 10 high school students has been purposefully hit, slapped or physically hurt by a boyfriend/girlfriend
  • 33% of teens who were in an abusive relationship never tell anyone about the abuse
  • 81% of parents believe teen dating violence is not an issue or admit they don’t know if it’s an issue

RESPECT

The definition of respect is….a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements.  To admire someone deeply. 

  • Roughly 1.5 million high school students admit to being hit or physically harmed last year by someone they are romantically involved with
  • Teens who suffer dating abuse are subject to long term consequences like alcoholism, eating disorders, promiscuity, thoughts of suicide and violent behaviors.
  • 50% of young people who experience rape and physical abuse will attempt to commit suicide

(Information collected by Domestic Violence Services, Inc. December, 2019)

     Please help us to spread the word to teens about warning signs of domestic violence.

  • More than half of women (69.5%) and men (54.6%) who have been physically or sexually abused, or stalked by a dating partner first experienced abuse between the ages of 11 and 24.
  • 5% of middle school students report having bullied a classmate
  • Female and male students share the same unfortunate state of 1 in 4 high school students that have experienced sexual and physical abuse by a dating partner have seriously contemplated suicide.

PEOPLE WAKE UP THE TIME TO TALK ABOUT ABUSE IS NOW.

Reach Out Speak Out

[email protected]

Facebook: @ReachOutSpeakOut

A faith based ministry helping victims of domestic violence within our faith community.

501(3)(C)47-1630804

Love Shouldn’t Hurt/Dating Violence

Love Shouldn’t Hurt

bridal couple at sunset

LOVE SHOULDN’T HURT

There was a movie that came on in 1970 called “Love Story.”  A typical romantic movie. But there was a line that became famous from the movie. Love means never having to say I’m sorry. This sounds magical and if you are in a dream world will work.

The truth is if we have been in or are in a relationship, sooner or later you will get hurt…or…you will hurt your partner. Saying you are sorry should be part of your relationship…if you have offended your lover.

Reach Out Speak Out is an organization that has heard many stories of love and hurts.
“Love doesn’t hurt you. A person that doesn’t know how to love hurts you.” Do you understand the difference?

Look Inward and Outward

Take a look at your relationship. Take a look in the mirror at yourself.
1. Are you showing healthy love to your partner?
2. Do they show you healthy love back or is it one-sided?
3. Does your relationship cause you physical, mental, or emotional harm or hurt? If the answer is yes, then it may be time to take a look at your relationship. Is the cause of your physical, mental or emotional hurts an up and down battle that you face on a regular basis?
4. Don’t second-guess yourself and wonder what you did to cause this hurt
5. We are responsible for our own actions…not the actions of someone else.
Please remember, a relationship should not put fear into you.

The Bible On Love

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 NIV
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

The Hurricane of Domestic Violence – 4 (2020)

the hurricane of domestic violenceRemember Me

How many of you remember the name of a hurricane that you or someone you know was in? That name is distasteful in your mouth for that name. If someone says the name Camille, Helena, Andrew to you, what do you think about? You remember those names?

If three women are killed daily in the United States due to domestic violence, will you remember these names? All these names are victims of domestic violence that were killed by the hurricane that was in their lives — the abuser.
Chandra May – age 29
Linda Pa Vue – age 29
Leticia Vela – age 25
Francisa Ramirez – age 38
Lisbet Mendez – age 24
Stacy Locknath – age 26
Stephanie Killeen – age 46
Gretchen Rust – age 64
Tracy Reedy – age 50
Theresa Watts – age 36

We do not want your name to be added to this list. Each of these ladies continued to think that it wouldn’t happen to them. That as a hurricane comes in waves that the storms of this time in their lives would pass again.

Have you told anyone about the hurricanes in your life with your abuser? May I plead with you to tell someone? Let someone know what is going on in your life.

Prepare for the hurricane of your life. Check back at the blogs from Reach Out Speak Out. Check back at the Facebook posts that give you a list of the things you need to do to prepare for the hurricane of domestic violence.
Now is hurricane season. Now is the time for you to prepare for your personal hurricane.

We do not want to add your name to the list above. We do not want you to think that this pattern is going to go away. Protect yourself and your children. You as the abused person have a responsibility to you and your children.
Reach Out Speak Out is here to help you navigate through this hurricane in your life.

We are a non-profit ministry and our focus is on those that are in our faith based community that are in a domestic violence relationship. 501(C)(3)47-1630804 Thank you in advance.

Remember, your time, talent and money can and will save someone’s life.

*To read additional information about the author of this blog, you may be interested in her book called, “It Started With A Hamburger”. It can be downloaded from Amazon.com All royalties go to Reach Out Speak Out.

In August, you will hear from a man who was a domestic violence victim as a child tells his story.

The Hurricane of Domestic Violence – 3 (2020)

the hurricane of domestic violenceA hurricane has hit your family and home. I pray that you prepared for the dangers and devastation that hit your family. I pray that no family member lost their life because of the hurricane.

When the hurricane is over we can finally get our lives back in order. The electric finally comes back on. We can then turn our air conditioning on and cool down from the sweltering heat that we had to endure while the hurricane was going on and deal with the aftereffects of the hurricane.

How does the information above and below represent a domestic violence relationship?
1. The hurricane/domestic violence hits your family/home
2. The abused starts to pray again and again that the family will be spared and that God will protect them again
3. Then the hurricane/domestic violence is over for this round and it is time to get back to business getting everything cleaned up. Whether the cleaning involves broken toys and chairs and dishes. Or a broken spirit from mental and emotional abuse. There is loss. Not just the loss of the abused but the children also had to endure the loss. If the children were not abused, they had to look on to see the destruction of the family.

DEATHS DURING A HURRICANE COMPARED TO DEATHS BECAUSE OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
Catastrophes

Hurricanes And Related Deaths In The United States, 1998-2017

Year Total
hurricanes (1)
Made landfall
as hurricane
in the U.S.
Deaths (2)
1998 10 3 23
1999 8 2 60
2000 8 0 4
2001 9 0 42
2002 4 1 5
2003 7 2 24
2004 9 6 (3) 59
2005 15 7 1,518
2006 5 0 0
2007 6 1 1
2008 8 4 (4) 41
2009 3 1 (5) 6
2010 12 0 11
2011 7 1 44
2012 10 1 (6) 83
2013 2 0 1
2014 6 1 2
2015 4 0 3
2016 7 3 36
2017 10 4 147

(1) Atlantic Basin.
(2) Includes fatalities from high winds of less than hurricane force from tropical storms.
(3) One hurricane (Alex) is considered a strike but not technically a landfall.
(4) Includes one hurricane (Hanna) which made landfall as a tropical storm.
(5) Hurricane Ida, which made landfall as a tropical storm.
(6) Excludes Hurricane Sandy which made landfall as a post-tropical storm.

Source: Insurance Information Institute from data supplied by the U.S. Department of Commerce, National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, National Hurricane Center.

iii.org/fact-statistic/facts-statistics-hurricanes

Deaths due to Domestic Violence
Three women are murdered every day, on average, by a current or former male partner in the United States. (Huffington Post)

365 x 3 = 1095

Are you going to be a statistic? There is a way to leave the hurricane of your life safely. You can read our previous blogs, look at our Facebook page, go to our website ReachOutSpeakOut.org. Or email us at [email protected].

Reach Out Speak Out needs your help. Nothing is too small. Whether it is your time, talent or money, we can use it. When a hurricane of life/domestic violence hits someone in your community, the resources become used up very quickly. We don’t want to have to turn someone down. As an insurance policy may tell you that you did not have the right coverage to cover the loss from the hurricane. We at Reach Out Speak Out want to help be your insurance policy. We have helped many families in the seven years that we have been here to help the Tampa Bay area. We are a non-profit ministry and our focus is on those that are in our faith based community that are in a domestic violence relationship. 501(C)(3)47-1630804 Thank you in advance.

Remember, your time, talent and money can and will save someone’s life.

*To read additional information about the author of this blog, you may be interested in her book called, “It Started With A Hamburger”. It can be downloaded from Amazon.com All royalties go to Reach Out Speak Out.

 

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