In Phase Two, the tensions begin to build. Often, some outside stressor begins to cause strife in the relationship. Maybe they’re having trouble at work, money is tight, or someone is dealing with physical health issues. An obvious tension begins to linger in the room when they’re together. The abusive partner begins to lash out in one way or another. Some use belittling words. Some use physical or sexual violence. Some use isolation from social support.

Some use controlling finances or electronic use. These are just some of the possibilities. The victim may find themselves becoming anxious and hypervigilant at the sight of their partner. They may try to appease and placate their abuser in the hope of not setting off their anger. At times, they may feel frightened, helpless, and numb. They may begin to fear for their safety. The abuser likely makes excuses for their behavior and blames the victim for bringing this treatment on themselves. This phase is often the most fluid and changing of the phases.

In Phase Three, the simmering tensions reach their boiling point. The abuser, feeling they have the upper hand, begins to escalate their behaviors to a new level. More name-calling, public and private humiliation, controlling the victim’s actions, destroying property, physical and sexual abuse, and abuse to others in the home such as children or pets may occur. The abuser may follow up their actions with shows of affection or apology, or they may compound their actions by insisting that the victim deserves it. They may use their social clout to pit members of the victim’s family or community against them.

At this point, the victim likely feels powerless and isolated. They may feel that they cannot trust their support system due to its proximity to their abuser. They may also be confused by the continued mixed signals they get from their abuser. Often coinciding with the violence phase is the “Make Up Phase,” wherein the abuser tries to calm tensions and often tries to make the victim believe their concerns are in their head. In many cases, however, this make up phase is temporary, and the manipulation occurring during and after it is often just another part of the abuse.

The final phase, the Leaving Phase, seeks to break the continuing cycle of abuse. This can often be when the victim is at their most anxious. They may worry in the lead up about the repercussions of being caught or by the prospect of upsetting their abuser. Stopping abuse is often not as simple as just leaving. In most cases, the abuser makes it difficult for the victim to leave because they starve victims of the financial and social resources they may need to get out.

No two situations are the same, but one thing is clear. We need to work harder to stop the cycle of abuse. We need to engender more support for victims of domestic violence and provide opportunities for victims to break the cycle for themselves and their children.

This is part 1 of a 4 part reflection of a grown adult who lived through parents in a DV relationship.

Have you wondered what happens to children whose parents had a unhealthy relationship or domestic violence situation? As someone who has been through it, I am here to give a little insight over the next several weeks of blogs.

It hurts. It has a long-term effect on those children. We see what is going on, and while we’re younger, we may not quite understand what is going on, but we can sense something is off. Even as a young child, I knew there was something different about my parents’ relationship. As I got older, I realized that my father did not treat my mom with kindness and respect. He was verbally and emotionally abusive, and that’s what I grew up seeing as “normal”.

I didn’t know there were marriages that had mutual respect and spouses that supported and encouraged each other. I knew all about the wife being submissive to her husband, but I didn’t know the husband was supposed to love his wife like Christ loves the Church. That’s the father figure I grew up with, and while not every single day was terrible, I didn’t know what a “good” marriage looked like. While my father was not abusive directly to me, I saw the toll it took on my mom. At some point in time (I forget how old I was) I guess he thought I was old enough for him to vent to me about all the “shortcomings” of my mom. (More on this in a later blog). I was fortunate to not be a direct target, but not all children are that fortunate.

Beth is an adult now and through life lessons and counseling has been able to understand what a healthy relationship looks like. But her story and what she went through as a child is a very good lesson for each of us to look at as we are in various relationships.

Last week I said I was not directly abused, but grew up seeing my mom stay in a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship. That impacted me as a child, and carried on into young adulthood and even middle age (now). Because I didn’t know what a healthy marriage looked like, I grew up having no desire to meet or marry someone. I didn’t want to go through what I saw happening to my mom. No way, no how! I deserved better, and was happily single and fiercely independent.

No man was going to put me down!

Thankfully, later in life my mom learned how to set up boundaries to keep herself somewhat protected. Sometimes she was very good at enforcing those boundaries, and sometimes not so much. When my my father ended up in a nursing home, and my mom finally realized he wasn’t going to come home, I could see a weight lifted from her shoulders. She was a new, free woman once My father didn’t have 24/7 access to her. Other people noticed she had more “pep in her step”. As an adult “child” then, I realized how profoundly he had affected her. I was glad to see her happier than I had ever seen before, and it gave me some hope that things could work out for some people.

As someone in my early/mid 40s now, I still have no desire to be married. I know there are MANY healthy, happy, positive marriages out there. I have seen them. However, growing up seeing and experiencing what I did, I don’t have any strong urge to see if I would end up in a good relationship or something like my parents had. I believe there is hope for all children that have lived through abuse or grown up around it.

Don’t forget about the kids that see the abuse and get them the help and counseling they need. They are the future!

Beth and her mom had a very special relationship. As her mom became ill, Beth took care of her until God saw that it was time to take her home in December, 2022.

I often wondered why my mom couldn’t or wouldn’t leave my father when he treated her so badly. As a Christian, she would never consider a divorce, or even a separation. Over the years, the behavior my father exhibited gradually became worse. I remember working up the courage as a teenager to ask mom why she put up with my father’s “temper tantrums” (that’s what I called them). She told me what I mentioned above- that she didn’t believe in divorce, that it wasn’t Biblical and was not something she would consider. She also told me that he hadn’t always been this bad. The man she was married to now wasn’t the same person she married. Yes, that happens to a lot of people/marriages, I know.

What I wanted to know from mom was, had he ever been a “nice” person? What was it about him that caused her to fall in love and want to marry him? She was honest, and said she found him attractive/interesting, but it was also convenient because her sister was married to his brother, and she already loved the in-laws. She also freely admitted that she always wanted to get married and have a family. When I asked her if she regretted her decision to marry him (because of the way he treated her) and she said no. My sister and I were the best thing that had ever happened to her. I loved that response, but I always wanted to know WHY my my father was like he was. The answer (or my best educated guess) is coming next week.

There are Biblical reasons for divorce. Abuse in all forms is one of the reasons. There are many books that give biblical stories and scriptures. Two by Dr. David E. Clarke Ph.D “Enough Is Enough” and “I Didn’t Want A Divorce, ”It Started With A Hamburger” by Jan Porter and “Black Eyes and Sweet Talk” by Rev Michael Neely

So, WHY was my father a mess and emotionally and mentally abusive to my mom? And why did she put up with it? We found out when I was about 25 or so, that my father had Aspergers Syndrome (now called high functioning Autism). He likely started with a mild case, but when he was young there was no treatment or help. It wasn’t even a “thing” to be diagnosed at that time. As time passed, he got more and more angry, unhappy, and cut off from the world. My father had a mental illness, and my mom put
up with it for years before knowing what it was.

So, does having a mental illness excuse abusive behavior? Not at all. Once we learned what was “wrong” with my father, my mom started getting some counseling and working on establishing boundaries. It was a rocky journey, and often did not work out for her, after so many years of him being abusive, and so many years of her letting him. As I mentioned in week 2, mom did work on boundaries, but her “freedom” came when my father ended up in a nursing home, away from her. After my father learned his “diagnosis”, he used it as an excuse to why he couldn’t help the way he was. I often wonder (especially when he was “venting” to me about how terrible my mom was for saying this, doing that, or NOT doing the other) if he really could have changed. I always harbored a bit of resentment for him not being willing to try any kind of counseling or therapy because “it’s just the
way he was”.

Mental illness is a very real thing. Many abusers have a mental illness, but that does NOT give them an excuse to be abusive – mentally, emotionally, physically or controlling. Whether the illness relates to personality (Aspergers, Narcissism, Personality disorders), trauma (PTSD) or any other type of mental illness, IT IS NOT AN EXCUSE. Period. Full stop.

If you find yourself in a Domestic Violence situation with someone that has a mental illness, please get counseling from someone who is licensed to help. Get the abuser counseling if they are willing. Set up those boundaries. Maybe there’s a resolution to be had through counseling and putting in the work, although it may be a separation or even a divorce. Take care of yourself, not just the person with the mental illness. You are worth it.